Fifteen Ways to Stay Warm

Fifteen Ways to Stay Warm

1. Carpet burn

2. Old-school burn (“Yo’ mama so stupid, she failed a blood test”)

3. Flannel condoms

4. Eat your fireplace.

5. According to an article in this month’s Glamour, nothing will heat up your life like surprising your man with sexy lingerie and a sexy blowjob.

6. Try wearing a coat, asshole.

7. Knit yourself a lovely scarf, mittens and a radiator knob that fucking works for once. How much am I paying for housing? Christ.

8. A cappella concerts can leave you feeling all warm inside for days. Sanders Theater is rife with fever-inducing viruses.

9. Switch from “Horny Igloo-wives of the Nunavut Territory” to porn with more tropical origins.

10. Find a way to bottle the raw sexual heat between Bass Professor of Government Michael Sandel and pure reason.

11. Don’t just be flamboyant—be flaming!

12. Line your jacket and your stomach with Sambuca.

13. While waiting for laundry to finish, take a spin in the dryer.

14. Enjoy a delicious Pop-Tart. So cool, they’re hot!

15. Raise your body temperature by getting down to the new collaboration between Nelly and Captain Hook, “Hot in Arr.”