Fifteen worst ways to open a response paper

1. “According to the Harvard Salient...”

2. “Here’s what the Godless liberal abortionists that teach this class don’t want me to write.”

3. “yo”

4. “I sought to do a better job on close reading this week. I also sought to better clean the vomit out of my hair before section. I leave it to you to judge which effort was more successful.”

5. “I found this so-called ‘response paper’ assignment to be an intellectually masturbatory experience. And, yes, physically masturbatory as well, if you must know. Now, let’s talk about bonobo mating rituals.”

6. “Some say that it was domesticating animals that separated homo sapien from homo erectus. I didn’t think The Great Gatsby proved this at all.”

7. “Lisa, I hope you like this response paper as much as I liked that sweater you wore to section last week. Honk, honk!”

8. “Throughout history, there have been numerous and diverse themes, such as the movement of people, places and ships.”

9. “I’m going to write this response paper about the swing era entirely out of words I found playing Boggle. Fare mate. Arms, mares, tram, Dizzy Gillespie.”

10. “It is not until the final chapter of On Liberty that J.S. Mill is revealed to be a total douche-cock.”

11. “Jane Eyre is, in many ways, the main character of Jane Eyre.”

12. “On the deceptiveness of appearance, you know when you’re trying to download some Jenna porn, and all you get is some amateur Korean bullshit?”

13. “Some critics consider Norman Mailer’s Armies of the Night a valuable historical document. Others see it as an important glimpse into the mind of an innovative stylist. I use it as a spooge rag.”

14. “A priest, Dan Quayle and a Polish guy walk into the Rome—of Augustus.”

15. “I hope you like this paper better than my last one, which you gave a v-/v- -. I have tried to clean up my language, but there’s only so much I can do, you worthless fuck.”