Fifteen Reasons to Drink

1. With a name like August Q. Kegmeister, do I really have a choice?

2. Still get nervous before talking with my wife [Director of Admissions Marlyn McGrath Lewis ’70-’73].

3. Took a lot of horse tranquilizers; need to come down a little before I edit the Indy.

4. Took a lot of horse tranquilizers; need to come down a little before I give “Justice” lecture.

5. To work up the nerve to ask random members of the biology department if they can explain, in terms of evolutionary psychology, why their wives slept with me.

6. Makes it easier to maintain thin veneer of heterosexuality.

7. Look, I ran for UC president drunk, and I’m going to serve as UC president drunk.

8. Used to be secretary of the treasury; now stuck in this shithole.

9. [At bar] I think the bartender likes me.

10. [At section] I think the TF likes me.

11. Only way to wash down dining hall scrambled eggs.

12. The people in the Smirnoff Ice ad seemed really cool. I would like to be cool as well.

13. Honestly, at this point, there’s no other purpose to Crimson Key.

14. I enjoy the full hops and the satisfying, rich taste of my ber ofchoice.the ammber ale iss fulll-bodded, but jn6h8;’j8l i says hel:l no!......Wooo! Beeeer!

15. Reason? Who needs a reason?