All the Pretty Condoms

After UHS, the best place to find condoms may be Matthews 407. Residents Danielle Li `05 and Allison T. Tanenhaus `05 recently puttied up their walls in the name of sex and creativity. 220 condoms later, a four-foot replica of the Trojan horse, named Menelaos, stands ready to charge. Giddy Up.

We used non-lubricated Trojans for the mane and tail, spermicidal lubricated Trojan-enz for the body, and Durex ultra comfort condoms with nonoxynal-9 for the hooves and eyes Li explains. Acquiring the condoms was more difficult than constructing the horse says Tanenhaus. The girls wandered from dorm to dorm, emptying out condom bins in their effort. They insist that the condoms wont go to waste. We hope to use them all up by the end of the semester.

And they just might. Li has begun construction of her cozy caverna makeout space beneath her lofted bed where she plans to slam on boys. The cavern is filled with plush, delightfully tacky beanbags and a blow up alien doll. White Christmas lights dangle from the mattress, illuminating the wall where Li will eventually hang up Polaroids.

Latex and sex aside, the girls are firm believers in the re-allocation of wealth. Each Wednesday evening they rummage through trashcans in Beacon Hill, searching for discarded treasures. It doesnt bother us that people gawk from their mansions. It only fuels our entertainment. Tanenhaus is most proud of the fully functional, gold-framed oil painting of beagles replete with an overhead light. The pair plans to have it appraised on The Antiques Roadshow. Among other finds are a leather suitcase with wheels, clothing, and photos of a naked Middle-eastern man and his son (these photos now hang in Lis bedroom).

Its hard to find cheap people at Harvard says Li. Our first trip to Beacon Hill was a bonding experience. Since then, these self-described queens of the penny have traveled throughout Boston looking for deals. Today we found a steel cauldron wok 30 inches wide at an industrial food supply store. Its really good for exercise, as a rocking chair, and when it snows itll be an awesome sled, states a proud Tanenhaus.

The girls even have celebrity apparel adorning the walls of their ecclectic abode. This summer, while interning for Tiger Beat magazine, Tanenhaus snatched Jessica Simpsons tank top and Christina Aguilleras red-silk rhinestone bra (she reports it is extremely padded).

Sadly, the chic punk atmposphere of Matthews 407 was not enough to scare off local vandals. Last Thursday, Li and Tanenhaus were startled to find a condom missing from Menelaos throat. Well be actively accepting any and all donations to help replace the loss. Li never looks a gift horse in the mouth.