March to the Sea: Predicting the Summer in Sports

As the end of the school year is upon us, we all wonder what goodies this summer will bring us. It’s time for a glance into the Harvard Crimson sports board’s crystal ball.

In the NBA, the Sixers will take on the Lakers in this year’s championship. The Lakers will go ahead 2-0 in the series, at which point Shaquille O’Neal will claim that Kobe Bryant not only is his “idol,” but also his biological son (though Shaq will not remember whether it was Cindy, Venus or Aaliyah who mothered Bryant).

The 76ers will then win the next four games, taking the series in six. Shaq will attempt infanticide but will ultimately fail when threatened by Kobe’s basketball-playing Sicilian connections. Despite Kobe’s 47 points-per-game scoring average in the Finals, he will be traded back to the Charlotte Hornets (the team that drafted him) for Derrick Coleman.

Shaq will quit the Lakers, realizing his true talents lie on the stage rather than on the court. His off-Broadway one-man-show, entitled “Kazaam II: Shaq-Diesel Slams in the House,” will gross more money than any other off-Broadway show that starred a 320-pound NBA player in modern history. Phil Jackson will resign as head coach and the world will suddenly realize that Jerry Buss and Jerry West are actually Jerry Krause and Jerry Reinsdorf.

In the NHL, Ray Bourque will finally win a Stanley Cup. Despite his 20-year career with the Bruins, he will enter the Hall of Fame as a member of the Colorado Avalanche, breaking the hearts of Bostonians. Bourque will continue to play in the NHL for nine more seasons, winning seven more championships and four additional Norris Trophies.

It’s not like the Bruins could use a good defenseman.

In the NFL, the Denver Broncos will not become this year’s Washington Redskins. Instead, they will demonstrate that it is possible to buy a Super Bowl through free agency, defeating the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. It will become apparent that the difference between the Redskins and the Broncos is simply coaching. While Norv Turner can’t handle the pressure, Mike Shanahan is one of the best—if not the best—head coaches in the NFL.

Having Brian Grease under center rather than Jeff George or Brad Johnson doesn’t hurt either.

The impact of the NFL’s new realignment plan for 2002 will be felt. In order to incorporate the Houston Texans into the AFC, eight divisions of four teams each will replace the current six divisions, five teams format.

With the first pick of the 2002 draft, Houston will select Colby Donaldson, the runner-up from Survivor: The Australian Outback. When Roy Firestone sits down with Donaldson after the draft, Colby will respond, “Thank God I’m a Texan.”

However, the Texans will be disappointed with Donaldson’s effort in the regular season when Colby celebrates after fumbling and fumes after scoring. After finishing the season 0-16, Colby will explain, “I thought the other teams deserved to win. I’m just thrilled for them and wish them the best in football and in life.”

In MLB action, watch for the surge of the Oakland A’s, the return of Mark McGwire, and the eventual downfall of the Minnesota Twins. Major League baseball is like an episode of Full House—no matter what happens in the beginning, the ending always turns out the same.

Despite the talk, Manny Ramirez will not hit .400, Albert Pujols will not hit 70 homeruns, Pedro Martinez will not get 30 wins, and the New York Yankees will win this year’s World Series after dealing worthless prospects for four free agent-to-be superstars at the trade deadline.

In golf, I predict that Tiger Woods will not win the U.S Open. I do warn you, however, that I am an idiot.

In tennis...well, no one will care.

Finally, in Harvard athletics, Neil Rose will quarterback the football team to its first Ivy League Championship in five seasons. Robbie Wright will kick the game-winning field goal with one second remaining against Yale. The Harvard victory will rejuvenate students’ faith in Harvard athletics, much to the delight of the new Athletic Director, Vince McMahon.

“I knew we’d win the Ivy League this year,” McMahon will say after the victory. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s football.”