March To The Sea: Musings From The Cable Guy

A few days ago, my sportswriter colleague Rahul Rohatgi wrote an excellent column on how incoming Harvard President Lawrence H. Summers should use Harvard's millions to purchase the Boston Red Sox. Don't get me wrong, that would be a great idea for Mr. Summers. However, in the meantime, there is a far more pressing need Harvard students are demanding.

What do we want? ESPN. When do we want it? Now.

Both the NHL and NBA playoffs have boasted terrific post-seasons thus far. Mario Lemieux and Ray Bourque are still in the hunt for a Stanley Cup. In the NBA, both Eastern Conference semis were decided by a seventh game yesterday. The Lakers have dominated their competition in every game, spearheaded by excellent performances by Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant.

At least, so I hear.

I actually don't know because the only games I'm able to watch are weekend showcases on ABC and NBC. Yes, there are a few House Common Rooms that contain cable televisions. However, unless you live in DeWolfe, it is very easy to lose touch with professional sports without access to cable.

Looking back on my first year at Harvard, I cannot fathom how I survived without ESPN's SportsCenter, Sunday Night Football, and Wednesday Night Baseball. Additionally, sports fans can only watch half of the Red Sox games because NESN might cost the administration a few extra pennies. Celtics games on Fox Sports New England are unavailable to college students in dorm rooms, as well as any regular season sports on TNT, FX, USA, WGN, etc.

This is a travesty. What is Harvard's excuse for failing to provide its students with cable, a bare necessity of life? Is it that having cable in dorm rooms would take away "quality studying" time?

Honestly, readers, did you spend much time "studying" this year in your rooms? Unless Harvard's definition of studying is playing with the broken antenna on my network TV to try to get any sort of reception whatsoever, I would have to answer in the negative.

I hope Mr. Summers realizes this egregious error in the administration's judgment. Just about every other school in the United States has a cable TV dorm option. I'm not arguing for pay-per-view wrestling or the Playboy channel. I'm not even asking for HBO, Showtime, or any "deluxe" channel that allows cursing and nudity.

ESPN is fine. NESN would be nice, too. But if Summers drives a hard bargain, I guess that demand can be dropped on the cutting room floor and ESPN would suffice (though missing a Pedro game wrenches at my heart--he is, without a doubt, the most enjoyable pitcher to watch in the past 20 years).

In all honesty, it is very difficult to stay in touch with the full spectrum of professional sports without cable. Baseball, hockey, and college basketball air on ESPN. The NBA is on TNT. Tennis is broadcast on USA and HBO, and golf has The Golf Channel.

Harvard has a 20 billion dollar endowment. I'm not saying that students should sit-in for cable. I'm not saying we deserve cable more than University workers deserve $10.25 an hour. Nevertheless, Harvard has an obligation to its students. The College provides shelter and food to all. Everyone has access to a restroom, either public or private. Yet, cable is either limited or unavailable.

If Harvard thinks that using the bathroom is more important than watching the Yankees/Mariners game, it needs to have its collective head examined. We can hold it until the seventh inning stretch.

President Summers, if you installed cable in all dorm rooms at Harvard, your popularity would soar. Students' quality of life would improve. I learned in my Moral Reasoning class that philosopher Jeremy Bentham would credit installing cable with an increase in the total social utility of this university.

Of course, if I had cable, I wouldn't have gone to class and thus wouldn't have had to learn that useless fact. Damn you, Harvard. You've clogged my mind with meaningless intellectual knowledge rather than ridiculous sports trivia.

At least the Spurs-Lakers game is on now. I think.