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Thank you, thank you.
Wow. I've always wanted to be the guy who hands out one of the Academy Awards, but I never thought I'd get the chance. An ESPY, maybe, although even that would be unlikely for somebody whose sportswriting career consisted mostly of writing up water polo stories for the university daily.
Yet here I am, set to give out the award for Best Picture. I guess I'm just lucky that all of this year's nominated films have to do with sports. Well, that and I won that trivia contest on the radio. I knew that being one of the nine people who saw Shaquille O'Neal's acting debut in Blue Chips would pay off one day.
Anyway, this year's selection of nominated films represents a wide selection of the wonderful aspects of the sports world today. As we watched these stories unfold on the silver screen, they made us laugh, cry and well cry some more.
Without further adieu, here are your nominees for Best Picture.
Chocolat
Don Cheadle co-stars as Bonzi Wells, the unfortunate teammate Kemp devours during a hunger attack at halftime of a Nuggets game. "Mmmmm, nuggets…"
Slouching Tigers, Season Drags On
Slouching Tiger represents a special effects masterpiece, as computer animation creates the illusion that the Tigers' season--along with those of almost every other baseball team in the lower half of the salary list--is something other than boring and futile.
Erin Jockovich
She goes on to hit 72 percent of her attempts and leads her team to the 2002 Ivy League championship. Erin Jockovich co-stars Tim Murphy as "Coach."
Gladiator
Traffic
The envelope, please... And the winner is… Almost Famous, the story of the XFL's complete and utter failure? How is that possible?
Oh, wait. The Oscars are on ABC this year, and the XFL was NBC's attempt to cut into the popularity of the NFL after it failed to snag the television rights. Monday Night Football is on ABC. It all makes sense.
I always knew the Oscars were rigged.
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