Saved By The Bell: Already Sick and Tired of IT

Not to rain on anybody’s parade here, but when I found out what that “Ginger” invention was yesterday my first thought was, “Is that all?”

For those of you who have been living in a cave these past few weeks—that means you, Osama—the invention, also called “IT,” had been kept secret for months up until yesterday’s televised unveiling. “IT” turned out to be a scooter. Whoo-pie.

Sure, it’s a pretty damn cool scooter. IT’s creator, Dean Kamen, thinks it will one day be more popular than the car. More power to everyone if that’s the case (except, presumably, the car companies, who would in fact have less power). But even if we’re all riding IT around downtown in a few years, IT really wasn’t worth all of the advance press. The mystery that surrounded IT for a year attracted wild speculation from dorky nerds and nerdy dorks alike—people who hoped and prayed that when the glorious day came, the product would justify all of the hours they had spent in IT chat rooms and IT bulletin boards.

Well, I doubt the Ginger fans walked away from this one satisfied. But given all of that hype, who really could have? There were only a handful of possible realities for IT that could have really thrilled me. And, since this should theoretically be some sort of sports column, I will only include those relevant to the sports world.

One: IT could have been something that removes ads from televised sporting events. During this year’s playoffs, FOX hit a new low by placing ads for television shows like “Ally McBeal” and “Boston Public” on the backstop behind home plate. As big a fan as I am of “BP,” this crossed the line.

There needs to be a switch on remote controls that will get rid of such ads. When I’m watching the game, I want the most obnoxious and abhorrent thing on the screen to be Roger Clemens, not another reminder that “Temptation Island 2” premieres in another two weeks. Believe me, FOX, I know. I know.

Two: Running with that TV theme, IT could have been a way to get any sporting event that’s ever happened, immediately on-demand. ESPN Classic is generally good for this sort of thing—except that cable channel has recently taken to showing bad sports movies during times when one should be able to sit down and expect game action. There are few things more deflating than sitting down to watch something of the dramatic quality of the Kirk Gibson game, only to be met with something like The Garbage-Picking, Field Goal-Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon. I don’t care how big a Tony Danza fan you are.

No, you should be able to access all of your favorite sports moments whenever you want them. Bobby Knight throwing the chair, on demand. Tyson biting Holyfield’s ear, on demand. Dennis Rodman…hmmm.

Three: Okay, here’s a better idea. You know those times after losses when athletes will say something like, “We just didn’t have it tonight?” Well, maybe they just didn’t have IT. “IT” could have been whatever the hell it is players claim they lack when in reality they just hadn’t prepared well enough, mentally or physically, or just flat-out lacked the talent or initiative to seize the win. Maybe “IT” could come in a bottle—made with 100% pure “Intensity”—and the annoyingly passive Allan Houston could uncap it before games, take a swig and score 27 a night like he should.

Four: IT could have been some sort of virtual reality device that allows you to see what your favorite athlete sees, a la Being John Malkovich. How cool would it be to be Rick Fox and run the break with Shaq and Kobe four times a week? And how cool would it be to stay home and go one-on-one with Fox’s wife, Vanessa Williams, the other three?

Five: IT could have been a satisfactory explanation for why figure skating is on national television so damn often. That’s it. Just a good, solid reason why. Nobody’s invented that yet.

Six: IT could have been a little cage full of trained hamsters who can play three-on-three basketball. This sounds really stupid, I know, but it only sounds somewhat stupid once you’ve seen the hamsters that play one-on-one. They used to live at the New York Hall of Science in Queens, and they were hilarious.

Seven: IT could have been a better sixth possibility.

Eight: IT could have been a better ending to this column, which is getting lamer by the sentence. But if the conclusion falls as flat as I think it will, it wouldn’t be the first disappointing creation introduced to the world in recent days.

What’s that? This was even worse? Too bad, pal. If you didn’t like this column, I’ll tell you exactly where you can shove IT.