Sundae School

Way down South in Dixie, the Yankees and their World Series loss is not on the brain. In Florida especially, baseball takes a back seat to college football. Here is a culture where kids sign up for Pop Warner football instead of Little League baseball, and a man’s status as either a University of Florida Gator or a Florida State Seminole defines who he is as much as the car he drives or clothes he wears.

Edy’s Grand Ice Cream has honed in on this market of fanatical alliances by offering the Sunshine State two new limited edition flavors: “Seminole Caramel Scramble” for FSU devotees and “Reptile Ripple” for UF disciples. Both concoctions contain chocolate and caramel ice creams with caramel swirls and caramel filled footballs. The college who scores the most touchdowns will earn bragging rights and a hefty chunk of Edy’s money directed to their university’s scholarship fund.

University of Florida junior Boris Glebov describes this as “some cheap marketing ploy, and a rather incompetent one at that.” He declares, “This is one of the greatest rivalries in college football, and you’re going to represent this with just one flavor? And not even include an action figure of some sort? Or sprinkle some grenadine on it to represent the blood of our fallen enemies?” He suggests blueberry ice cream with orange sherbet as a better representation of UF’s true colors.

The complete list of college ice creams, according to Edy’s representative Melissa, includes the Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn Tigers, Georgia Bulldogs and Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Professional teams the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers can also satisfy your sweet tooth. Melissa explains that these teams were chosen because of their “championship” status and geographic location. “It’s a big southern thing – football and ice cream,” she says.

Students at Harvard eagerly await their turn at a dessert dispute and hope for a Harvard vs. Yale series from Edy’s. Floridian Abby C. Lackman ’03 explains the strategy, “If Edy’s donates some of the profits to the schools, we want to channel as much moola to Harvard as we can, so we can do future college students a service by encouraging them not to go to Yale, but rather save themselves from the stinky ghetto and come to Harvard.”

FM enlisted the help of the Square’s favorite ice cream suppliers in this new rivalry. At Herrell’s, Nate Tryon proposes a “Crimson Tide” flavor with a hint of cinnamon. His co-worker Sarah Hecht promotes a “Crimson Candy Swirl” featuring mysterious red candies. Sam Cave, Toscanini’s resident ice cream connoisseur, offers up “Crimson Curse,” a delectable blend of blueberries and raspberries in vanilla ice cream.

The sweet suggestions of Merry S. Chiampa ’04, another Floridian, include “Crimson Crazy Crunch” for Harvard and “Bulldog Blast” for Yale. Gator Glebov advocates “Skull Swirl” and “Yuppie Delight.” Lackman’s approach is more tactical. “The strategy is to call the Yale ice cream something gross, like ‘Eli’s Entrails’ or ‘Berry Bulldog Bits’ and give Harvard’s flavor an appetizing name, such as ‘Chocolate Caramel Grade Inflation’ or ‘Johnny Harvard’s Puritanly Divine Vanilla With Hugely-Endowed Nuts.’” May the best Ivy win.