Infomercials, Inspirations of Insanity

It’s one in the morning, and you haven’t started your paper due at 9 a.m. sharp. You’re having a really bad case of writer’s block, you are basically a lazy person and you need some inspiration. You:

a) Crack open a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon

b) IM your friends in other time zones

c) Turn on the TV and observe the wonderful world of infomercials

Though choice “a” will dull the pain, you’re stuck with “c.” Enjoy the top ten infomercials of all time as viewed by FM’s crack TV-watching team.

1. Oxiclean

Oxiclean, the Stain Specialist! The bearded, brash and bombastic Billy Mays guides you through the amazing cleaning powers of Oxiclean powdered detergent. Pet stains, food stains, grass stains and wine stains, everything comes out with Oxiclean. “It makes your whites whiter, your brights brighter. As a stain remover, it’s the best! Long live your laundry, with Oxiclean!”

2. Bio Slim 2000 Weight Loss System

Behold an elephantine woman in a green jumpsuit hit by a flash of light from the “Bio-Slim Pyruvate Complex” and transformed into a svelte version of herself. Bio Slim 2000 is a new and updated daily pill that works on your metabolism and helps you lose weight without exercising or dieting. It’s helped millions, including Linda Clarkson, who gets weepy talking about how she “noticed a real difference in [her husband’s] behavior” after losing weight with Bio Slim. Watch a couple make out during Linda’s testimonial, and watch a babe in bikini lounging by a pool with two hot guys while you find out how to order.

3. Turbo Tiger

“Unleash a tiger in your house with the Princess Turbo Tiger!” Yet another infomercial featuring the redoubtable Billy Mays. Billy sings the praises of a little golden vacuum, whose suction power is such that it can pick up bowling balls and 40-pound tables. “The Turbo Tiger, big or small, it’ll do it all.” Cleaning up the popcorn on your common room floor is a cinch with this little tiger—call 1-800-974-9911.

4. Gazelle Freestyle

“Conceive, believe, achieve” with Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle exercise machine. Ogle as the hot celebrity host Darla Houston coos, “can I now try, Tony? Pleeeease!” and gets on the Gazelle Freestyle to experience a total workout—body, mind, spirit. Ogle again as Tony talks to muscular Tom, whose toned chest glistens with sweat as he sprints on the Gazelle topless. The exercise machine comes with a workout video featuring Tony, who has been an “inspiration” to many and “has changed lives.” The Gazelle Freestyle is $14.95 for a 30-day trial with a money back guaranteed. Says Tony, “if you don’t love it or you hate me [sobs], you can send it back.”

5. Fast Abs

Smear firming gel on the Fast Abs belt, put it on your chest, press the multifunction processor button and go on a 10-minute program of vibrating action equivalent to doing 600 situps. Fast Abs uses the technology of

EMS—Electronic Muscle Stimulation—which “studies have shown to be 30 percent more effective than ordinary exercise.” Using Fast Abs, you can become as sleek and sexy as Kathy, the blond and Russian-accented host, and Peter, who is 42 and has “never had abs like this.”

6. CalAbsorb

“To me it’s a miracle—I don’t want to be ever without it.” “I’ll probably be on it for the rest of my life. I don’t want the pain to return!” “If it wasn’t for CalAbsorb I don’t know where I’d be today.” Dead, perhaps?

If you’d like a pain-free life, take CalAbsorb. It enhances calcium absorption to reduce muscle pain in the “most bioavailable way possible.”

7. Mighty PRO Grill

In a garish kitchen with a window showcasing a fake view, Chef Tony and Suzie Taylor extol the Mighty PRO Grill. The grill cooks up Cornish hens, hot dogs, hamburgers, steaks, spare ribs, steak fries, etc., with little grease because it all drips down. But that’s not all, because the Mighty PRO Grill is “a flavor enhancer, use any liquid you like” to infuse your foods. How does beer beef sound? If you call 1-800-354-2800 soon, you’ll get, among other things, four steak knives with the Miracle Blade III. These knives can cut steak, linoleum and even pineapples! So long, and happy and healthy grilling!

8. Shark Steam Blaster

The host Maddy Press has definitely had an eyelift and a collagen injection. But this isn’t an infomercial about age-defying cream, but about the Shark Steam Blaster, which can “blast your house clean with the power of steam.” This amazing machine now saves Karen Cower the trouble of scrubbing tile grout with a toothbrush and eliminates baby smells in Deanna Waterworth’s house. No more scrubbing or spraying; just watch as the Shark Steam Blaster liquefies grease and cuts through grime.

9. Ionic Breeze Quadra

“I smoke cigars with my guy friends—when my girlfriend comes home, she has no idea how much fun we had.” Be like that guy with slicked-back hair who uses an Ionic Breeze Quadra. The Quadra filtering device has a patented “Zenion Effect” that positively charges incoming air, then directs it towards the negative charged grid, which catches particles and pushes out clean air. It’s quiet and cheap, and eliminates odors and chemical fumes in your home—and home air may be five times more polluted than that outside. Use it the next time someone has an accident during your party—you’ll thank yourself.

10. Pest Offense

Plug in Pest Offense, whose digital cycling uses the wiring in your home to irritate the nerves of rats, mice, spiders, etc., and to zap them out without killing them. How humane; Pest Offense’s inventor, Don Hodgskin, is “an environmentalist.” Thanks to Pest Offense, Sherry Ball can “leave the cake out and never have to worry about it.” Good to hear. May we have a piece?