The Death of Debauchery

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts—The Winthrop House Masters, tutors and House Committee have canceled this year’s “Debauchery” party and replaced it with what they would deem a much more appropriate “Chastity” party.

The changes are hardly likely to go unnoticed among the student body; “Chastity” will prohibit the alcohol, the fake money traditionally used in exchange for sexual favors and the “mad hookups” associated with what was once the most popular student event of the year.

“The decision follows on the heels of last year’s dance, in which students engaged in gratuitous displays of flesh, excessive gyrations of their pelvises and inappropriate employment of their oral cavities,” explained Winthrop House Master Paul D. Hanson.

Needless to say, the decision has severely fractured the College community—several interest groups have already planned rallies in front of Widener Library for tomorrow afternoon.

At 6 a.m., Hanson and his entourage of medieval history and pre-med tutors will don black and preach the merits of purity and decency from atop the steps. They have pledged to abstain from food and drink throughout the day and welcome any student who, too, embraces the celibate life to join them.

At 11 a.m., Undergraduates Already Getting Play (UAGP), a recently organized coalition of students involved in romantic relationships, will praise Hanson and the Winthrop HoCo’s decision.

“The demise of ‘Debauchery’ means that justice finally reigns on the Harvard campus,” UAGP president Tracy B. Oxley ’03 said. “I, personally, have worked really hard on making my relationship work so that I can get booty on a regular basis. It hasn’t been fair that someone can throw a fake $10 bill at you and have just as much fun.”

Other students vehemently disagree. Many first-years bemoan that they will miss out on what has been a traditional college experience.

“Thanks a lot Harvard,” said John E. Nash ’05. “I was really nervous about finally hooking up with a girl but my prefect suggested that I could get plenty of practice at ‘Debauchery.’”

Other students, most notably seniors, worry that the end of “Debauchery” signals the loss of any chance they ever had of losing their virginity before Commencement.

“This sucks so much,” complained Kenneth A. Shelton ’02. “I went to ‘Debauchery’ my sophomore year and got more ass that one night than American Standard. I didn’t get to go last year because I had to study. But I learned my lesson and the date of the dance has been in my calendar for a month already. And then they had to cancel it on us!”

Some students find the name of Winthrop’s new party to be redundant.

“Every night at this school is a ‘Chastity’ night,” said Jennifer I. Smith ’04.

All students worried about their chances of seeing action, experiencing withdrawal from last year’s peep show and emotionally agitated over the idea of a “Chastity” dance are invited to storm Mass. Hall at 4 p.m. tomorrow. The Harvard University Police Department has already called out the Boston, Dorchester and Roxbury squads to control the crowds that are expected to exceed 7,000 during this third rally Friday afternoon.

Indeed, the cancellation of the “Debauchery” dance has ushered in a somber tone on campus. Male students have taken to lifting cars to release their pent-up tension. Contrary to previous complaints, students are now flocking to Eliot House for their daily cold shower. The Lampoon is so distraught, they have been unable to laugh at even their own pathetic excuses for jokes. Academic performance has taken a nose-dive as well; not one Computer Science 121: “Introduction to Formal Systems and Computation” problem set made deadline this week.

Despite undergraduates’ staggeringly broken-hearted reaction, the administration has unanimously supported the “Chastity” dance. President Lawrence H. Summers sent his third University-wide e-mail entitled “Keeping Biology in the Classroom—Not the Common Room.” Dean of Freshmen Elizabeth Studley “Ibby” Nathans threw a kegger for all Proctors. Dean of the College Harry R. Lewis ‘68, especially pleased with the decision, connected the “Chastity” dance with his August letter encouraging undergraduates to slow down.

“I get more kicks from criticizing that infidel Mansfield than from hooking up with attractive sophomores,” he said. “There’s really no need for students to be concerned about getting play. That’s just part of the herd mentality at a school. Only when we let ourselves get carried away do we think that parties are fun, that alcohol is agreeable and that sexual satisfaction is worthwhile. Students don’t really enjoy that stuff—they just think they do. ‘Chastity’ will finally convince Harvard students that it’s O.K. to be chaste—and even quite normal to go without contact with the opposite sex for months on end.”

Jordana R. Lewis ’02 is a history and literature concentrator in Eliot House. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.