Unemployment? More Like Fun-Employment!!!

Last month, Harvard’s Office of Career Services held a seminar to introduce students to the recruiting program. Numerous upperclassmen piled into Science Center C, Palm Pilots in tow, eager to enlist in the cult that is on-campus recruiting. The moguls-to-be entered the meeting cocky and left nauseous.

Recruiting Director Judy Murray warned the audience that job offers might be sparse this year. She predicted that fewer companies will visit campus than in past years, and that those who do come to recruit will reduce their interview schedules. Murray explained, “In order to motivate students, we usually tell them to pretend that this job market is the worst in years. Well, this year, you won’t have to pretend.” Murray then let out a light chuckle, as if to intimate that she was half-joking. Her laughter was not contagious.

But take heart, seniors! There are jobs out there besides investment banking and strategic planning, many of them livestock-related. FM presents five hot new careers in the New New New Economy.

Priest

Ah, the priesthood. It’s sort of like consulting for God. Becoming a priest has several obvious benefits including spiritual fulfillment, eternal bliss and invaluable community service. Plus, it’s a great way to meet women and not have sex with them. Most importantly, the priesthood is a pretty stable industry. Recessions, corporations and governments come and go, but religion is here to stay. As the wise poet Horatius Lucretius Quintus wrote, “Amice, semper populi sacerdotum egent,” which translates, “Dude, people always need priests.”

Harvard’s own Memorial Church is a great place to begin your quest toward holiness. Each year, the church holds an informational dinner for students interested in joining the ordained ministry in some vocational capacity. Seats are snapped up more quickly than the condoms in the laundry room, so make your reservation ASAP.

Shepherd

“I wanna be a shepherd...I wanna move up to Nashua, get a nice little spread, get some sheep and tend to them.” Of course, these wise words belong to Will Hunting, but Matt and Ben, always in tune with the nation’s youth, seem to have keyed into a desire that we all share. The time has come to act on that wish, to care less about our stocks and more about our sheep.

Getting ahead in the shepherding biz is tricky. If you plan on starting from scratch, first you’ll need some sheep. Toward this end, an excellent resource is the National Tunis Sheep Registry (ezrone.com/ntsri), which prominently advertises “Sheep and Stuff for sale.” Of course, procuring the sheep is only the half the battle. You won’t want to kill your sheep, so check out Sheep! Magazine (sheepmagazine.com), taking careful note of tips such as, “Consider treating rams and ewes for worms, if necessary” and “Avoid overfeeding.” Baa.

Aesthetician

Premeds getting the cold shoulder, or any other thermal joint ailments, from med schools and biotech companies might consider a slightly less competitive but equally satisfying career as an aesthetician. Aestheticians work in environments ranging from beauty salons to doctors’ offices and perform various beautification procedures. So they’re kinda like doctors, but also like hairdressers.

Although they are fully equipped to carry out traditional facials and hair removal, aestheticians are most valued for their training in microdermabrasion, a relatively new rejuvenating technique that employs aluminum oxide crystals in exfoliating unwanted skin. According to one Manhattan-based plastic surgeon, the procedure reduces fine lines and wrinkles, removes age spots and lessens acne scarring. Why bother with boring disease research when you could give the gift of tight, child-like skin?

Those students considering a career in nail care or hairstyling should take note that becoming an aesthetician is no easy task. Trainees must complete more than 500 hours of instruction in myriad subjects (chemistry, medical ethics and make-up, to name a few). Before receiving their licenses, prospective aestheticians must meet the requirements of the State Board of Cosmetology and the Department of Consumer affairs—no small feat. But just think of all the people you’ll save.

Body Piercing Technician

Perhaps Wall Street rejects will channel their energy and anger into more artistic pursuits. If rock and roll is indeed dead, perhaps hundreds of unemployed college kids can revive it. Here’s the kicker: more artsy people means more body piercing. Fortunately, there has never been a better time to go into the piercing industry, thanks to the October 2000 repeal of the anti-tattooing and piercing laws in Massachusetts.

Piercing technicians at the Jewelry Gallery in the Garage are taking full advantage of their newfound freedom; they promise to pierce “everything that’s allowed by law.” Although the technician on duty was reluctant to elaborate, FM’s crack investigative staff discovered that the revised statutes prohibit the piercing of genitalia only on persons under 18. So it’s all good.

Human Cannonball

Self-explanatory.