FM Presents: Lesser-Known Regattas!

This weekend Harvard’s finest rowers will prep their coxswains and grease their oars as they embark on the 37th annual Head of the Charles regatta.

Although the event is sure to attract crew jocks from around the nation in addition to local media outfits, it should not overshadow the numerous other boating activities happening throughout the week.

FM’s crack Morse Code team dusted off the ol’ telegraph machine to get the full report from waters near and far:

New Orleans, LA: Ballers and hoes alike turned out for the third annual Cash Money Regatta. The early lead belonged to Juvenile, who was rowing on dubs. However, as the competitors rounded the final turn, the Big Tymers’ pulled ahead thanks to their newly designed rig, which was both kitted and iced out.

Eliot H-52: Harvard seaman Clayton P. Bischoff ’03, who is preparing to sail in the national singlehanded competition, thinks crew is a bunch of crap. “Those wusses have oars and, like, forty guys in their boats,” he gripes. “I just have the wind and one little girl.”

Winthrop J-entryway: Li’l Sampson Lamberth, son of Senior Tutor Courtney Bickel Lamberth, spent Tuesday’s bath time playing with his new plastic sailboat. “Great job, sweetie!” Dr. Lamberth said. Are you playing with your boat? Can you say boat?” Young Sampson simply grinned and peed.

Somewhere in Canada: “Behind The Music” favorites Styx are begging fans to “Come Sail Away” on their upcoming tour of Canada. Canadians have respondedwith an overwhelming “eh.”

North Pole: The 1999 Arctic Regatta is slowly approaching its final leg. Skipper Bob “Iceman” McGillicuddy cites frozen water as “probably the main cause” of the languid pace. “We had no idea it would be this freakin’ cold,” he explained.

The Kong, Cambridge: In a last-minute desperate attempt, maritime enthusiast Craig B. Phillips made one last jibe. “Hey Baby? You must be tired ‘cuz you been racing through my mind all day. Racing your boat, that is.”