Gossip Guy!

Gossip Guy: Zagat’s edition. Patrons “love to read” the “judiciously seasoned lies” and “red sauce-heavy rumors,” but they caution against the “five-alarm innuendo.”

...Social mountaineer and Phoenix “pro” Katherine R. Jones ’01 recently returned to campus before jetting off to England, reminiscing about famous people she’d talked about and gay TV celebrities she’s dated. “Look, emotional and sexual compatibility is not something I take into consideration when choosing which famous men to date and then spread rumors about,” she said in her defense. Commented Tyrone P. Pheiffer ’02 after unsuccessfully attempting to dodge a Jones anecdote about the eating habits of different rappers she’s lunched with: “Look, I wish her well in geting as far away from here as possible.” Responded Jones: “[Q-]Tip totally prefers purified water to spring water”...

...Inspired by Harvard MP3 favorite “Whatch U Really Want,” Shannon D. Frieswick ’04 invited new acquaintance Adam K.Taylor ’04 over for bagels and lox when all she wanted to do was lick his rocks...

...A prestigious Harvard literary organization would be feeling a little more prestigious if its president’s cell phone stopped playing “Bootylicious” in the middle of poetry readings and executive meetings. The accused, Linda F. Helton ’02, commented “I don’t think you’re ready for this celly” between somehow pretentious pelvic thrusts...

...Jack H. Bernstein ’03 has stopped meeting new people or acknowledging those he already knows. Bernstein refused to speak to this reporter...

...Known weirdo Rick J. Mays ’03, who was once described by a former partner as “bearing the inescapable odor of regrettable life decisions,” brought several additional pungent aromas into the life and bathroom of new squeeze Lana V. Jarrett ’02 Saturday night. After drinking Triple Sec straight from the bottle for several hours, Mays stumbled to a freshman common room and attempted to dislodge a bolted-down painting with his face before returning to Jarrett’s room and stripping in her hallway in an attempt to “surprise my lady” that ended when tooth-brushing turned without warning to naked puking...

...What’s out this week: Ironic use of advertising slogans while binge drinking. What’s in: Sincere use of advertising slogans while binge drinking. Because a hard day’s work does deserve a hard lemonade...

...It’s been a dizzying two weeks for freshman hottie Dana D. Guest ’05, whose whirlwind tour of Harvard’s most elite social organizations has concluded in disappointment. “These places all just sorta rubbed me the wrong way. Am I crazy, or does it seem that every organization here is, at heart, all about getting freshman girls drunk?” Representatives from all eight final clubs, Crimson Key, the Pudding, the Advocate and the Opportunes refused to comment....

...Some believe that parties are an opportunity to become closer to the people you know, and make friends out of those you don’t. Eliot asshole James H. Stein ’02 begs to differ. “No room, jerks—back off!” he said to a group of friends and strangers alike outside his room Friday. Stein later declined to apologize, explaining that “I have a great fucking room, and I have to manage these parties. Can I help it if I’m so cool that the whole fucking school wants to party with me?” A survey of guests denied admission revealed that few knew Stein and that his room was gained through a lottery...