Tenacious D: Tampa's Super Distractions

I love Florida.

I don't care what either you or your politically inclined mother think about my beloved Sunshine State. Sure, Florida has received some negative press recently about the whole election and yes, the vast majority of my elected officials are complete morons. Granted, the elderly can be troublesome at times. But despite these minor blemishes, when it comes to having fun under the sun or a debaucherous delight by night, you can't beat FLA.

That said, Florida's many opportunities for extracurricular exploits can become a real problem whenever the Super Bowl pays a visit. The one week party, which is loosely tied to the playing of the football game, has historically been fun for the fans and a little too much fun for the players.

When the Super Bowl is held in Miami, the glitz and glamour of Florida's crown jewel proves too distracting for the players. In 1999, when Super Bowl XXXIII was played at Pro Player Stadium, Atlanta safety Eugene Robinson tried to purchase the sexual services of an undercover officer and it was reported that some of the other Falcons were quite the "dirty birds" at various South Beach hot spots. Falcons Coach Dan Reeves did not impose stringent curfews on his team and it translated into a 34-19 demolition at the hands of the Denver Broncos (although I'm sure John Elway and Terrell Davis has something to do with the drubbing as well).

Thirty years earlier, the Super Bowl was definitively put on the map when Miami hosted "Broadway" Joe Namath and his upstart New York Jets. Namath,

who had brashly guaranteed a win over the powerhouse Baltimore Colts, kept

his partying in check and went on to lead his team to an improbable 16-7

win. Then again, Miami back then was nothing like Miami nowadays.

But Miami has to wait for another year to elicit Super Bowl mayhem. This

year, it's Tampa's turn to provide some super distractions for the New York Football Giants and the Baltimore/Cleveland Ravens. And trust me when I say that there are plenty of distractions to go around for everyone.

First, even the good, clean fun can still get out of hand. A night out to Bern's Steakhouse for some fifty-dollar steaks, a vintage Chateau Lafitte, and their world-famous decadent desserts can quickly cripple even the heartiest lineman, as well as putting a dent into the kids' college fund. Alright, well, maybe not a big dent for the blue-chip athletes, but a dent nonetheless.

Then, a trip from Hyde Park to Ybor City can yield even more diversions. Whether it's smoking Cubans at "Ybor City Cigars" or hitting up the dance clubs, Ybor can certainly keep a player from his 12:30 a.m. curfew. With the preponderance of teenage clubs in Ybor, it's also a good thing Mark Chmura and the Packers aren't playing in this Super Bowl.

But it isn't the clubs of Ybor or the fine dining of Bern's that is putting the fear of God into some of the coaches. Rather, it is Tampa's traditional signature source of entertainment: strip clubs.

That's right, strip clubs. Nudie bars abound in Florida's very own "Sin City." It has been estimated that there are currently 72 different places where women take off their clothes on stage for the viewing pleasure of mostly randy adolescents, depraved business men, and the occasional wide-eyed tourist.

The last time the Super Bowl descended upon Tampa, strip clubs figured in the final result. The Buffalo Bills, who were perhaps the best team in the league that year, were preparing for their first championship against the

aforementioned Giants. With the nation at war, Bills players hit the strip

clubs in droves. Days later, Scott Norwood missed a field goal in the final seconds to give the Giants their second title and Buffalo's first of four consecutive Super Bowl losses.

However, there is a large difference between this year and the last time Tampa hosted the big game. Thanks to the civic-minded city council, the strip clubs that put the "wood" in Norwood can no longer offer lap dances to their patrons.

The so-called "six-foot rule" has already claimed professional athletes as

culprits. Two weeks ago, the Dallas Stars rolled into town to play the Lightning. Two players decided to visit Tampa's most famous club, Mons Venus, and ended up being arrested during a police raid. Officials for the Tampa Police Department have already stated their intentions of enforcing the lap dance prohibition.

Now, I'm not going to confirm or deny any rumors that I once visited Mons Venus as a high school senior, but let's just say that regardless of the enforcement of the "six-foot rule," there will still be a strong chance that Ravens and Giants players will be curious to find out. What's more, this curiosity can be quenched not only at Mons Venus, but at any of Tampa's strip clubs.

The ultimate irony in all of this is the ubiquitous location of Mons and its sister club 2001: A Sex Odyssey. Both clubs reside on Dale Mabry, the same street that is home to Raymond James Stadium. So, not only will the players be hearing about the "world's most beautiful women" at Mons or the "launching pad" at 2001, they will be driving by these bastions of bacchanalia on a routine basis.

Given these dual distractions, it's understandable that Jim Fassel wants to impose a strict week-long curfew for his players. Then again, though, the worst-behaving Giants might not be on this year's team. You know that Lawrence Taylor can't wait to relive the Tampa nightlife. Heck, LT probably even remembers where he scored some nose candy ten years ago.

And given that the game will probably suck, fans in attendance would be well-advised to make the most of their stay by spending a night or two out on the town. They will certainly have many distractions from which to pick and choose.

Great steak. Good cigars. Unbelievable strip clubs.

Like I said, I love Florida.