Saved by the Bell: X-Treme Caution

I never really liked Phil Mushnick.

The New York Post scribe puts out a weekly column that lambastes the people and practices he believes are ruining sports. The great thing about Mushnick's articles is that he finds a way to blame pretty much everything wrong in the world on professional wrestling.

Dennis Miller's raunchy football commentary? It's wrestling's fault! Violently vocal parents at little league games? Wrestling again! The juiced home run ball? Wrestling…somehow.

I'm not the world's biggest WWF fan, but it always seemed like a bit of a stretch to me.

I haven't seen a Mushnick column on it yet, but I can only assume that Phil isn't a very big fan of WWF boss Vince McMahon's plans for a new eight-team football league, the XFL. He's probably about as thrilled about the idea as Rudy from Survivor would be about a cameo appearance on Will and Grace.

The XFL will kick off in February. Play in the new league will feature several changes from traditional pro football that are meant to enhance the speed and smash-mouthed nature of the game.

Among these innovations will be the elimination of the fair catch rule, a more lenient stance toward hard hits and one-foot-in catches and cameras that allow fans a better glimpse into the workings of the field, locker room and huddle.

Although some of the proposed departures from the NFL game seem appealing (particularly the ten minute limit on halftime), I can't help but feel a bit wary of the XFL.

Some of my concerns are rather benign. The idea of the omnipresent cameras and mikes, something that the NBA flirted with briefly this past year, is a dumb idea. The XFL's decision makers seem to think that the problem with pro sports all this time has been that it doesn't bear a close enough resemblance to CBS' Big Brother.

As you've probably guessed by now, I took in more than my fair share of voyeur TV this summer, and they couldn't be more wrong.

But there are worse things than a little too much access.

More troubling are some of the actual rule changes--or rather, deletions. Mind you, I can understand the appeal of a more hard-hitting game. Football is supposed to be bruising, and the two crashing helmets at the beginning of Monday Night Football often end up being the most crushing moment of the evening.

But why in the name of Chris Jericho would they get rid of the fair catch rule? The rule is in place to prevent people from becoming paralyzed, for crying out loud!

What sort of image is McMahon trying to project here? When the first kick returner gets nailed and lies lifeless on the turf, are we supposed to moan or cheer? Will the XFL on NBC commentators say things like, "Whoo! The Hitmen sure took that guy out! I'm thinkin' he's done from the waist down, at least! Glad we ditched that rule!"

This brings us to another issue: the nicknames. New York/New Jersey's franchise will indeed be named after people who are hired to kill other people. As fitting a tribute to Jersey as it may seem to some, I find it at least a bit more troubling than the Chicago Enforcers and the Las Vegas Outlaws. I can't wait to see what happens once the league gains popularity and expands.

"Welcome to XFL Bowl V, featuring the Portland Pimps and the El Paso Recently-Paroled Sex Offenders! The Pimpin' pass rush looked pretty strong in the conference championship win against the California Third-Strikers, didn't it, Al?"

The teams that aren't named after various forms of criminal activity are mostly shining examples of how not to use the letter "X." The Los Angeles X-Treme. The Memphis Maniax. Heck, the "X" in "XFL" doesn't belong there. It's supposed to stand for "X-citing" and "X-hilarating."

What's that about? Granted, these aren't as big a problem as the guy who can't move after catching a punt at the 30-yard line. Still, when did the letter X become so damned cool?

The whole thing smacks of a Sesame Street skit gone awry.

The most troubling thing about the XFL is just how well it could catch on. The XFL will draw viewers not only from fans who can't pry themselves away from the gridiron after the Superbowl, but also millions of guys who already get their ya-yas out weekly watching RAW is WAR on cable.

McMahon has said that while wrestling is admittedly completely entertainment, the XFL "is 100% sports."

I'll believe that when I see it. It seems inevitable that if an extreme football league created by a wrestling maven is to be successful, the circus act element that defines pro wrestling will eclipse whatever actual playing is going on. Otherwise, you've essentially got a glorified version of the Arena Football League, which most casual fans aren't aware even exists.

McMahon may even start other leagues, each with specializing in its own vice.

Can you say, "SexFL?" Just think of the cheerleaders...

Anyway, danger lies in the influence that the XFL could have on other sports bodies. Once fans latch on to the XFL, the traditional leagues may respond with changes of their own and blur of the line between sport and lower-brow forms of entertainment even more.

Why wouldn't they? The leagues are looking for ways--any ways--to raise revenue, from putting a stand-up comedian on MNF to those hideous "turn-back-the-clock" days in baseball to the NBA's inane camera scheme.

What's to stop them from attempting to ride the new money train the XFL sets in motion?

The end result could be an end to professional sport as we know it. It would be the final triumph of gimmickry over actual competition and the ultimate bastardization of sports. I don't consider myself a purist in the strictest sense, but this doomsday scenario upsets me.

Of course, it is only a doomsday scenario, one that may seem "X-treme" in its own right. But given the exposure that the league will get via its contract with NBC, the local support that the franchises in smaller markets like Orlando and Birmingham will receive and astounding popularity of wrestling and McMahon himself, it is unlikely that the XFL can do anything but succeed.

After that, who knows. This weekend, the Miami Dolphins will probably beat the New England Patriots in a pretty ugly AFC contest.

Cherish that ugliness.

Much worse forms of ugliness could infiltrate the world of professional sports in the near future.