To Beat Bush, Gore Should Emulate Blair

LONDON--Tony Blair has been having a rough time of it recently: Leaked memos, accusations of being more concerned with his image than his government, poor poll showings, bickering between cabinet ministers, heckling at his speeches and worst of all, his teenage son found passed out in his own vomit in central London.

Vice-President Al Gore '69 hasn't had it much better. The press is ignoring him, the polls are against him and even if he achieves a big "bounce" from the upcoming convention, his chosen VP can still upstage him.

There is no doubt that Blair would like things to continue as they are between the U.S. and the U.K. The famous Clinton-Blair constellation has shone brightly in both countries, making Blair seem privileged in America's favors, Clinton seem more cultured. In the interest of preserving this mutual "most favored nation" friendship Blair might be spending less time worrying about "eye-catching initiatives" and more time trying to boost his future co-world-leader's spirits.

This is what a leaked memo from the Blair camp to the Gore camp might look like:

FROM: TB

TO: Al

RE: Campaign 2000

Cheer up old boy, it's not as bad as it looks. Sure, you're down in the polls, so am I. But don't buy into doom-and-gloom politics. It's all about putting a positive spin on things.

First, don't let your opposition scare you. I assure you, the more seriously you take your opponent, the more seriously everyone else will take him. This is why I take every opportunity to publicly guffaw in the face of Conservative Party Leader William Hague. This just reassures the public that indeed, the smarter man is running the government. It also makes Hague seem like a laughable little insect, instead of a rather devastating parliamentarian.

It doesn't sound like this will be hard to do in your case. George W. appears to all outside observers to be nothing more than an airhead son of privilege. Where did he get his "elite" education? Yale? Never heard of it. Despite the apparent vulnerability of George Jr. I hear you have some personal stumbling blocks. Let me suggest, if you have problems laughing naturally, practice in front of the mirror. In order to adopt the proper tone of voice, try slowing down your words (creating the impression Georgie is too slow to understand), lengthen your A's and strengthen your consonants. Most importantly, roll your eyes at the mention of his latest proposals. Accomplish in a simple gesture what you will then spend a few choice words on as you nail the lid on his coffin.

Speaking of words, when talking about Bush Minor, I suggest using words like "pathetic," "pitiful" and "puerile." If those don't strike a cord with the public, try "irresponsible," "irritating" and "immature." I guarantee this will boost your alpha male quotient as well as your ego.

I know that people have been concerned with your focus on attacking Bush instead of laying a foundation of ideas for your campaign. But remember, to dismiss the other candidate as an intellectual lightweight is not an attack. It's a dismissal. And the sooner you get Bush out of the spotlight with an aristocratic wave of your hand (come on, we both know it's in the blood) the sooner you can get the voters to start focusing on your issues, like the environment or the Internet or whatever (Just a tip: People are generally more concerned about things like the price of oil and pensioners).

Speaking of focusing on the positive, remember, it's your government that's in power. I know you want to avoid Clinton fatigue, but frankly, forget about it. The fact is, voters are enjoying the economic boom that has taken place in the last eight years. Ask them (as Reagan did in '80 and '84) are they better off now than they were four years ago? Do they want continued prosperity which can fund greater social services, or do they want massive tax cuts for the same few hundred impossibly wealthy Americans who would have benefited from the estate tax repeal? Your voters want wider health care coverage, certain social security and safety from crime. They don't particularly want the rich (look directly at Bush when you say this) to keep getting richer, while the poor get poorer. Talk about bringing the fruits of economic success to everyone's table.

Stay away from Clinton-esque scandal, but exploit his record. The last eight years haven't been all Lewinsky, you know. There's a legacy of Democratic success to build on.

Which brings me to the "New Democrat" side of things. You may have heard that I've abandoned the "New Labour" brand for the traditional idealism of plain-old Labour. I'm hoping to capture the sense of integrity that Bradley and Nader get from identifying with old-fashioned liberalism. And if there's anything you and I could do with a healthy dose of in the public eye, it's integrity. You have your shady fundraising, I have my spin-doctors on the public payroll. What we both need is an aura of idealism that a return to traditional liberal values can provide.

Remember, if worst comes to worst you can always get a secret service agent to pour liquor down young Al's throat and toss him out on the streets of the capitol. It will get you major sympathy points from both press and populace. I doubled Euan's allowance after he was fined 50 quid for being drunk in public.

Good luck Al! With any luck it'll be another friendly four years of intercontinental cruises.

Meredith B. Osborn '02, a Crimson executive, is a social studies concentrator in Leverett House.