Veepstakes

The role of the vice president of the United States is very much like that of the first runner-up in the Miss America competition. He or she gets to take over only in the event of death or a really big scandal--but these days, it's unlikely that even posing nude will be enough.

Nevertheless, the process by which vice presidential candidates are selected is a crucially important one. This year, the two major candidates have been inundated with requests for consideration. Because of this, the two major parties have joined forces to streamline the process of vice presidential selection by establishing a common application form for the position. According to an official of one of the major parties, the new application procedure will make the selection process more open and transparent. In his words, it will help both parties prevent repeating the mistakes of the past, some of whom turned out to be "real whoppers." They have asked all potential candidates to provide answers to the following questions. The form, which I've obtained from a high-level source, is reproduced below.

VICE-PRESIDENTIAL APPLICATION FORM:

Thank you for your interest in the position of vice president of the United States. Please answer all questions below, including the essay portion.

Section I. Multiple-Choice.

What qualifications do you have for the job of vice president? (Please circle all that apply.)

A) I am from a big state where the voters like me. B) I can raise a lot of money. C) I am a woman. D) I often dress as a woman. E) Other (please explain).

Of the following individuals, whose tenure as vice president do you think was most successful?

A) Al Gore. B) George Bush. C) Richard Nixon. D) Walter Mondale. E) Spiro Agnew.

Which of the following issues in your past may come up in the course of the campaign? Circle all that apply.

A) Adultery. B) Draft-dodging. C) Drug use. D) Savings and Loan fraud. E) Mental illness. F) Murder. G) Other ___________.

Which of your job experiences do you believe most prepares you for the position of vice president?

A) Senator. B) Governor. C) Lawyer. D) Actor. E) Golf Caddy.

If you are not selected as vice president, which of the following positions would you be most interested in?

A) Secretary of State. B) Ambassador. C) Surgeon General. D) Postmaster General. E) Poet Laureate.

If your party loses the election in 2000, what will be your next career move?

A) Remain in my current job as ____________. B) Plan 2004 campaign. C) Book Tour. D) Viagra commercials. E) Stay-at-home dad.

Section II. Short-Answer.

1. Upon being asked what he would do if the President died, former Vice President J. Danforth Quayle (1988-1992) said that he would "say a prayer and call a cabinet meeting." What would you do?

2. One of the major duties of a vice president is to represent the administration at the funerals of somewhat important foreign leaders. Please list the significant funerals you have attended in the past four years. (Democrats only: did you attend Richard Nixon's funeral? Were you able to appear somber?)

3. Please describe yourself in three words. If one of these words is not "loyal," please explain the omission.

4. In addition to revealing your most recent tax forms and complete financial statements of your family members, we must require the following disclosures:

a. Do you have any Miami relatives?

b. How many shares of Microsoft do you own?

c. Did you ever plead "nolo contendere?"

d. Please describe all visits to Buddhist temples (Democrats only).

5. Do you have a Zoe Baird problem? A Clarence Thomas problem? A Bill Clinton problem?

Section III. Essay.

You are participating in a televised debate against the other vice presidential candidate(s). Please answer the question so eloquently posed by a former vice presidential candidate, Ross Perot's 1992 running mate, Admiral James Stockdale, in this forum: "Who am I? Why am I here?"

Thank you for your cooperation. Please do not forget to sign and date this form (Members of Congress: please do not use the autopen for this purpose) and return to your national political party. Please write "attn: Vice Presidential Sweepstakes" on the envelope. You will be contacted if there is further interest in your application.

Who knows--you may have already won.

Noelle Eckley '00 is an environmental science and public policy concentrator in Dunster House. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.