Customary Defeat for Lampoon

The Harvard Crimson softball team dealt the Harvard Lampoon a crushing blow yesterday, defeating 23-2 the semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine.

Editorial chair and designated hitter Rich Lee led the undefeated Crimson (3-0) with a two-run homerun in the top of the fifth inning to put The Crimson ahead for good.

"After the first two pitches I thought to myself, 'Man, that kid is probably going to throw me a slider,'" Lee told reporters after the game. "So I just closed my eyes, swung, and the rest, as they say, is history."

Lee's blast capped off a solid day at the plate for Crimson batters. Senior first baseman Richard Perez lengthened his hitting streak with a laser shot through the bewildered Lampoon infield in the fourth, and freshman lead-off hitter Dave DeBartolo connected for two infield singles. Crimson manager and relief pitcher Alan Wirzbicki reached on a fielder's choice in his only at bat.

The Lampoon could not respond to the onslaught. Despite inspired and witty trash talk, such as, "Hey Wirzbicki! More like, Loserbicki!" the pranksters' bats remained flaccid.

Lampoon clean-up hitter Matt Ebbel hit a solid groundout to third, though, and Crimson turncoat Danny Habib, playing for the Lampoon, did manage to connect for a towering foul-out to the catcher in the sixth inning.

Current Crimson sports editors Will Bohlen and Mike Volonnino fared much, much better, actually making solid contact while hitting for the cycle.

The loss is the 113th in a row for the Lampoon, beginning with the first Crimson mangling of 'Poonster bats in 1887.

Despite the frustrating offensive performance and personal insecurities, the Lampoon stayed civil for most of the game.

Tensions flared briefly between the two teams in the seventh inning, though, when Lampoon junior Willie Decherd, who is also a Crimson editor, charged the mound after leaning into a curveball from Wirzbicki, who is also a Crimson editor.

Decherd's impudence cost him his hat later that inning after Crimson fashion warden and former president Josh Simon confiscated the garment, deeming it "too gauche."

The multi-gallon headpiece remained safe in Crimson hands until the end of the game, despite the ineffectual efforts of sophomore Lampoon thug Matthew M. Wrenshall to wrestle it away from Crimson security.

After the game, Wirzbicki praised the Lampoon for "giving it all they had."

"It's a promising young team they've got out there," he said. "Once they all get past puberty, we might be in trouble."

The Crimson's undefeated season continues next week with matches against the Harvard Salient and the Harvard-Radcliffe Undergraduate Council, a semi-relevant Holworthy Hall student group that used to occasionally enact so-called important legislation.