Fifteen Minutes: Serving You Twenty-Three Hours a Day
It's 3:30 a.m., nine hours since dinner. At this point General Wong seems like a culinary genius. A zombie-walk in flip-flops to Store 24 for a snack that will undoubtedly hit the spot suddenly comes to an devastating halt. After the hellish three-minute hike, it becomes clear that this mission will be fruitless: the windows are dark and a sign reads, "Be back at 3:30." Knocking on the door, repeatedly, does nothing. Knocking turns into banging, yelling and screaming. After half an hour, it is time to surrender and weep at the failure to acquire foodstuffs. Then the feeling hits - the same feeling of finding out that Santa isn't real, that the tooth fairy was actually mom. Realization of this reality obliterates any smidgen of innocence - this beacon of consistency, this paradigm of perpetuity, is not Store 24, but Store 23.
Rob B. Willison '03, the man who coined the term Store 23, explains, "It's the bane of my late-night existence...I've witnessed the Store 23 phenomenon at least 5 or 6 times." The symptoms are the same every time: a recycled sign claiming that the store will re-open at 3:30 (when in fact re-opening usually occurs up to an hour later), a stench of cannabis in the air and a familiar, red-eyed cashier. Willison suspects one culprit is responsible: "It's that white guy with the glasses who looks like Eminem." Upon questioning, the manager of Store 24 claimed the store closed once in the past week for floor washing. He said he was unaware of any other closings and promised to "investigate the matter." But don't hold your breath - the Store 23 phenomenon has been going strong for years. Meanwhile, a 7-Eleven worker, who refused to comment on the Store 23 situation, proudly proclaimed that his store was "open ALL the time."
According to Kevin L. Hartnett '03, the Store 23 philosophy extends beyond the store itself: "It's in the essence of its very products. Anything you buy from Store 23 will only function for 23 hours a day at best." One night, when Hartnett and a few friends attempted to engage in some illicit activity involving tobacco of a green hue, he desperately tried to light up with a newly-purchased Store 23 lighter. "Despite our best efforts it would just spark and spark but give no chronic flame!" Hartnett laments. Apparently, the lighter conked out at approximately the same time that Store 24 transforms into Store 23. The next day the lighter functioned perfectly. "Coincidence? We think not," say Willison and Hartnett.
-S. Graham-Felsen