Fifteen Minutes: Tongue In Sheik

Faux pas or foie gras?

Candie admits to being as much of a fashion slave as the next girl. Once in a blue moon, though, she suffers a rare relapse into good taste...depending on how many diet pills she's spiked her breakfast espresso with. After temporarily overdosing on Xenical this morning, Candie had a panic attack and sniffed out something rotten in the state of Trendiness...

bra strap headbands: It's gauche to ever let one's bra straps show, so now we want to wear them on our heads? Are jock-strap ski-masks just around the corner? Candie shudders to think.

karma beads: Turquoise can cure your impotence, rose colored quartz takes care of that halitosis and hematite works like magic on that rampant acne. Not! Those round little plastic beads don't do anything but make round-little-plastic-bead-manufacturers filthy filthy rich.

capri pants: Unless you've got supermodel-lengthy legs, capris make most girls look squat and dumpy at best. That or like they've just raided the Little Miss section of their local department store. In any case, why anyone would want to create a convincing optical illusion that her legs are only three-quarters their real length is a real mystery to Candie.

batik tops: Now you can match all of your cushions imported straight from Urban Outfitters. Exotic.

wristcuffs: Unless you're moonlighting as a dominatrix or drive a Harley-Davidson, there's no reasonable justification for wearing dog collars around your wrists. Or anyplace else on your physiognomy, for that matter.

geisha chic: Cultural imperialism is still in. T-shirts bearing random Japanese characters are hot. Sizzling hot. Especially if you have no fucking clue what they mean.

visors: Want to look athletic and hard? Don't have time to work out? Slip on a generic sporty-poseur visor to brew up some Instant Jock.

peasant blouses: Fresh and airy garments perfect for all free-loving flower children prepping resumes this spring for the big Love-In-in-the-Sky that is Goldman-Sachs.

slide thongs: Paired with trendy-trendy three-quarter length capris, you're all dressed up with nowhere to go, Except maybe a sandbagging party during the next major flood.

pokemon: Who's your daddy?

Candie E-E Darling woke up on the wrong side of an overdose this morning. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.