Fifteen Minutes: Latest Cell Technology

Zack Morris, A.C. Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano and, most especially, Lisa Turtle were always the coolest of cool. When Kelly wore tube tops and Zack pegged his jeans, teenage America knew how to follow. Additionally, Zack might have been one of the first people to use a cell phone as an accessory.

When the first cell phone prototypes began to pop up in the public domain they were cumbersome, unreliable and just plain ugly. Even Zack Morris, the king of schoolboy cool was subject to carrying one of those bulky, box-like contraptions around Bayside High. Despite their countless flaws and unattractive facades these phones where the envy of every "Saved by the Bell" fan, and pretty much everyone else. Essentially, cells were the pinnacle of chic.

Now, almost 15 years after Zack's reign, all of those jealous viewers are living out their childhood fantasies--with a vengeance. At Bayside, Zack's cell was a sure symbol of status. Nobody thought, however, that shiny Nokias and compact Motorolas would ever be anything but a modern means of communication and another way to look cool. Nowadays, the Qualcomm QCP-1960, among other impressive cellular instruments, causes the onset of malignant brain tumors. With excessive use, of course.

Since cell phones work by picking up on radio waves in the air, these waves are honed in by the antenna which, when held up to an ear while talking, is strategically placed next to the brain. Thus while the unknowing listener converses, an atmospheric cloud of carcinogens is circling around his or her head.

Technology already devised a method to brush away the radio waves and bypass brain cell mutation. For cell phone addicts everywhere, profit-hungry companies have not missed a beat. To combat this medical finding and loss of sales, auxiliary earpiece/headsets accompany most new cellular models. With this little ear-piece in place the phone can be stored in a pocket away from the ear and head area thus reducing the talkers' interaction with killer radio waves.

One drawback however, is that when walking down the street with one of these ear-pieces in place, the phone user appears to be a wannabe member of the C.I.A. or is hearkening back to a youthful Spytech fervor. Since the earpieces are hard to see, and cell phone talkers already have a propensity to yell, it often looks as if these people are screaming at themselves while strolling through the Yard. Exacerbating the situation even more are the exaggerated hand motions that some talkers make with their newly freed hands.

Now that the public has tested these newfangled contraptions, time can only tell who will win this round of the ongoing health vs. style debate. In this round, it seems as if health is winning out, but unfortunately, the healthy way is not always the coolest of cool, and ultimately we know that fashion is fickle and cool rules the school.

--A. B. Osceola