Fifteen Minutes: Gossip Guy!
Gossip Guy has been inspired by Elizabeth Shue's '?? return to harvard to complete her degree. He plans on graduating in June after completing his Core requirements: Foreign Cultures 44: Lies in Nazi Germany, Moral Reasoning 36: If there are no rumors, all is permitted, and Historical Studies B-81: Protestant Innuendo.
...when told of the vicious clamydia outbreak in Pennypacker, third-floor proctor Emily G. Hammond '94 responded, "Whoops"...
...Simon T. Hayes '00 is on top of the world - the senior has several West Coast job offers under his belt and no thesis deadline to worry about. Jacque spends his nights at Grafton in lieu of more trivial pursuits like the Bee formal. Friends of Jacque worry that his ego is spinning totally out of control...
...rumors abound about the credibility of GG's sources. "Damnit Guy, you're just making all that shit up," claimed Crimson lawyer and libel expert Ronald K. Oak...
...Jesse Goldman '00 shed his Canuck girlfriend and headed to Chinatown for some over-30 action. His successful impersonation of a well-established professional landed him a sushi dinner with a decidedly more mature woman...
...Jimmy T. Tiff is a chronic masturbator. Get a hobby, Jimmy!...
...customer representatives for bigwords.com have discovered that students don't really want low prices and free shipping from an online book store. "Nope," said marketing genius Noah. K. Grafton, "they want little orange rubber balls"...
...How do you hook up with Radcliffe rugger Deirdre I. Durston '00? "Very carefully," says Frank E. Lefferts '02...
...Pudding officers were scandalized when they realized that "Woman of the Year" Jamie Lee Curtis is genetically a man. "We're going to give it to that chick who played Tootsie instead" said Robert E. Schlesinger '01...
...Fox club member Garth J. Brinks '02 got himself in a big mess when he got "totally shit-faced" and placed his genitalia all over the Fox club furniture. "Dude," said Fox president Geoff L. Townsend '00, "I play beer pong there"...
...Julie K. Hine '03 got totally sketched out when she was hooking up with Eli Dodge '02--the sophomore Gov concentrator took toe-sucking to new depths. Ankle-deep, to be specific...
...Nick B. Hobbs '02 is looking for a suitably WASP-y girl to while away his days in Vail with...
In the Doghouse:
...Ted W. Kilner '01 forgot his six-month anniversary with Sarah H. Gerber '02...on Valentine's Day, no less. The junior Winthrop resident spent the holiday downloading replays of the NBA All-Star Slam Dunk contest...Kelly D. Preston '00 re-gifted a rollneck sweater to her first-year boy-toy Samuel J. LeVander '03. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" confided Kelly...Matt Geller '02 ran over girlfriend Amy Linder '02 with his bike on the way to Physics lecture...
Virgin Update:
Sadly, there were no new copulators this week...although Henry T. Hunter just recently declared his eligibility. Said Henry: "I'm ready to get up and do my thing. I wanna get into it, man, you know...Like a, like a sex machine, man, Movin'... doin' it, you know."