Carol of the Bells: Stop Faking the Funk

Two weeks ago, Tennessee center Michelle Snow dunked during a game at the Maui Invitational. The two-handed stuff brought the crowd to its feet, and with good reason. Snow's jam was only the fourth ever in women's college hoops history.

That's four more dunks than there have ever been in women's professional basketball.

As unimportant as aerial acrobatics may seem to most purists--two points it two points, after all--the fact that the WNBA hasn't seen even one dunk is a bad thing. And I blame one person for it: Margo Dydek.

I'm not usually one to pick on a girl--I'm generally a very nice guy. I'm also not one to provoke someone bigger than himself--I'm not very physically intimidating. In both respects, I'm rather like Gumby.

But I'll make exceptions for Ms. Dydek, who plays for the WNBA's Utah Starzz. Dydek, 26, is Polish and was the first overall pick in the 1998 draft. Dydek is also 7'2--the tallest player in the league.

Here are Dydek's career WNBA numbers: 94 career games, 25 minutes per games, 1083 points, 606 rebounds, 287 blocked shots, 392 career field goals. And no dunks.

Margo, how is this possible? The rim hangs ten feet above the floor. If you're 7'2 and reach as high as you can, how hard could it be? I've seen you on TV, Margo. Your layups look effortless. You average more rejections per outing than Harvard's admissions office. You're undoubtedly capable.

You're just not trying.

Remember those old pantyhose commercials in the 80s? Ever wonder where the women are who've got Leggs, but don't know how to use them? That's you.

Margo, you're missing out. Great advances have been made in the field of throwing down recently. 5'4 Spud Webb won the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Slovenian guard Marko Milic once dunked over a Honda Del Sol. Vince Carter leaped over the head of a French seven-footer at the Olympics this past summer.

All of these guys are shorter than you.

Granted, they are all guys, but even that's not an excuse anymore. Before the American Basketball League--the WNBA's chief rival--folded a couple of years back, Sylvia Crawley jammed blindfolded during the ABL's own dunk contest.

Crawley is 6'7. Snow is 6'5. In fact, every woman who has ever dunked in a collegiate contest has been under 6'8.

Why are you holding back, Margo?

Are you concerned, as UCLA coaching legend John Wooden is, that dunking will cause the death of the pure, passing-oriented game that women's basketball is known for? You shouldn't be. Dunking doesn't equal selfishness. The Starzz barely missed the playoffs last year, and lost two games down the stretch by three or fewer points. Would taking more really high-percentage shots really have been all that selfish?

No, dunking wouldn't ruin the women's professional game, Margo. It might very well save it.

The WNBA is boring now, Margo, recount hearing on C-Span boring. Most WNBA games are one-sided affairs and even the NBA marketing machine realizes that a steady diet of the same three players isn't enough to sustain interest. The fans are realizing it, too: the league's attendance dipped to under 10,000 fans a game for the first time this year.

The WNBA needs something--anything--to attract fans now that the league's novelty is wearing off.

Margo, you could be the next big thing. The opportunity is there: Cynthia Cooper has retired, and the league is searching for new, exciting players to promote.

Imagine the publicity you'd get as the first woman ever to dunk in a professional game. When the commercials insist that WNBA players have "got game," a picture of your thunderous dunk over some poor member of the Miami Sol would be there to back it up. A lot of fans would think that the chance of seeing you dunk was worth the price of admission. I would.

Your career would take off. You'd be a real Star--not just the kind that ends with "zz." You could dunk and be a terrible player from that point on, and the fans would still vote you on to the All-Star team until you're 80.

Your fame would transcend the court. Just imagine the cereal boxes, the posters, the talk show appearances... You'd be a Top Ten List. It would never end.

Imagine what your dunk would mean for women's sports. It probably wouldn't rival Billie Jean King's victory in the Battle of the Sexes, but I think that your dunk would be much more compelling than Brandi Chastain ripping off her shirt after scoring in the Women's World Cup.

Of course, you could show off your own sports bra after the dunk if you like, but I'm sure the feminists would get all riled up. The dunk itself is something everyone would appreciate.

Work during this off-season, Margo. I have faith that you'll develop the necessary five-inch vertical leap to make this happen. You can change the game. You have the power to save the WNBA.

You go, girl. Now.