The Final Campaign Ads

Like students with midterm papers due the next day, the presidential campaigns are getting desperate. Harvard students don't often watch television; even if we did, Massachusetts isn't a battleground state. But in swing states, the Democratic and Republican National Committees are exhibiting deadline behavior.

Sources inside the campaigns have helpfully provided me with transcripts of some planned spots, slated for release the final day before the election. Due to the uncertain nature of campaigns, however, I can't promise that any of these will actually be aired.

For Texas Gov. George W. Bush:

[black-and-white, '50s-style footage of students leaving an elementary school and getting hugged by their parents]

Bush's voice: "When I was a child, children were children. Families loved their children with all their hearts."

[shot of Bush, hugging his children]

Bush's voice: "Now that I have a family and children of my own, I love my children like my family loved me when I was a child."

Voice-over: "You can tell a lot about a candidate by what he says. Bush is about children, family, loving and hearts. If you support these things, vote for the candidate that says these words the most."

[fade to close-up of children's faces with slogan superimposed]

George W. Bush. Heart family love love family children.

For Vice President Al Gore '69:

[shot of a of an innocent, gurgling baby holding a penny, and a rich man in a tuxedo and top hat holding hundred-dollar bills]

Voice-over: "George W. Bush talks a lot about kids. But when tax time comes, his plan works like this."

[Bush look-alike walks on-screen, winks at the rich man and tickles the baby. The baby smiles happily. The Bush look-alike then snatches the penny out of the baby's hands and gives it to the rich man. Baby starts crying.]

Voice-over: "Al Gore's plan helps middle-class families and working men and women. George W. Bush's gives your money to billionaires. The choice is yours."

[The rich man and the Bush look-alike roll cigars out of the hundred-dollar bills, light them and walk off-screen together happily. As he leaves, George W. Bush kicks the baby.]

For George W. Bush:

[shot of Bush talking to the camera while helping an old woman and a toddler cross the road]

Unlike my opponent, I do not engage in negative campaigning. Although I have a fuzzy, loving heart, I do not use fuzzy Washington math. But I think the real difference is that in college, I was an awesome, popular frat president, and my opponent was a dweeb.

[Bush finishes crossing the road]

Old woman: George, I've seen presidents come and go, but you're the only one I'd want to invite to a party.

Toddler: Yeah, George. If this was recess, I'd pick you first for the kick-ball team!

[the three give each other a high-five]

Voice-over: "George W. Bush. First pick for kick-ball. First pick for Delta Kappa Epsilon. First pick for president."

[cut to a shot of Al Gore in duct-taped glasses]

Voice-over: "Al Gore. First loser."

For Al Gore:

[footage of Gore giving a speech to a group of seniors in a nursing home. Quiet classical music plays.]

Gore: "I may not be the most exciting candidate. In fact, if you just count me and Bush, I may be the least exciting candidate. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Let's say you took two candidates, of two different excitement levels. One of them would have to be less boring than the other. Well, if you think about it, that's a lot like our current presidential race. And of the two candidates, it's possible that I'm the one who is more boring and less exciting. But you know what? That's a lot better than being a force of pure, unmitigated evil."

[ad ends with rapid-fire images of the devil, an atomic mushroom cloud, a picture of George W. Bush and finally another shot of the devil, set to the stabbing music from Psycho and wrenching screams.]