Tenacious D: On Eli Inferiority and Other Self-Evident Truths

Roughly a month from now, Harvard and Yale will compete in the 117th playing of The Game before a raucous crowd in Harvard Stadium. Traditionally, bragging rights between Harvard and its safety school counterpart in New Haven have hinged on the outcome of one football game at the end of the season.

Quite frankly, it's time we change tradition and realize that Harvard and Yale athletics shouldn't be labeled by only one sport on one November day. Instead, we should judge Fair Harvard's superiority with multiple examples of success over the woeful Elis.

Fortunately for this proposal, a variety of Harvard teams dominated their Yale opponents this past weekend. These performances, rather than sixty minutes of football, are better indications that our underlying suspicion is true-Harvard is indeed better than Yale.

The ancient rivals faced off in four contests on Saturday, and in each clash the Crimson, following the tenants of Bob Barker's pet control advice, effectively spayed and neutered the Bulldogs.

From the warm waters of Blodgett Pool to the artificial turf of Jordan Field to the wind-dried grass of Ohiri Field, Harvard's athletes excelled and vanquished their Yalie peers in convincing fashion. To paraphrase the fight song, Old Eli's hopes were dashed into blue obscurity.

Harvard's Saturday sweep of Yale began at noon on Ohiri Field. The Crimson men's soccer team entered the game in desperate need of its first Ivy League win, while the Bulldogs looked to move up in the Ivy rankings for a tie with Brown. After the 90 minutes of carnage ended, Harvard had succeeded in its objective and Yale had failed.

I use the word "carnage," because it was a hard-hitting and violent game. The three yellow cards and 24 total fouls don't quite convey just how physical the game was. As an example of the brutality, at one point Yale defensive back Brian Lavin grabbed Crimson captain Ryan Kelly in mid-air and body-slammed him into the ground. It was an overt display of aggression that would have made The Rock proud.

I can only conclude that spending all that time in the crime capital of New England must be the reason why the Bulldogs have cultivated a thuggish approach to such a pure sport.

In the end, though, the Crimson, buoyed by Kelly's 51st minute rocket, beat the Bulldogs 3-2 to collect its first league win and to send Yale home with bruised bodies and broken pride.

"There was extra incentive to get up for this game because its one of the biggest rivalries in sports," said freshman midfielder Kevin Ara. "Now, [the freshmen] have three more years to go out and beat Yale."

While the soccer battle was raging on the Ohiri Field, another Harvard-Yale confrontation was taking place across the road on Jordan Field.

The No. 19 Harvard field hockey team dismantled Yale and showed why it is a legitimate contender for the Ivy League championship. Although the first half ended in a scoreless tie, the Crimson quickly proceeded to get on the board with a goal from junior forward Jane Park.

Later in the second half, two shots from freshman Mina Pell were essentially caught by Yale defenders and gave Harvard two penalty strokes. Sophomore Katie Scott and junior Katie Turck converted on the penalty strokes, respectively, to give the Crimson a commanding 3-0 lead.

Freshman goaltender Katie Zacarian (and yes, 25% of the Crimson team is named Katie) pitched her second straight shutout, continuing her phenomenal stint in goal this season.

Fast-forward a couple hours and return to the venue of our first victory over the Elis, Ohiri Field. After the Crimson men's tough win, the Crimson women's soccer team decided to put away the game without a struggle.

Harvard was impressive in all aspects of the game. Defensively, sophomore goalie Cheryl Gunther was impenetrable and the Crimson backs dispossessed the Eli women regularly. On the offensive side of the ball, there are only two words to describe the dominance: Joey Yenne.

The dynamic sophomore slaughtered Yale with her blazing speed and deft touch. For her first score, Yenne took on three Yale defenders, accelerated past them with amazing ease, and blasted the ball perfectly under the crossbar. Yenne would go on to complete the hat trick in the second half, single-handedly propelling the Crimson to a 3-0 lead an demoralizing the Bulldogs.

The Yale defense was so transparent that I figured Yale Coach Rudy Meredith would potentially tap a deadly resource on the field that day - the 12-year old kids from the Boston area who had turned out for the fourth annual Youth Soccer Day. Maybe next year's recruiting class will contain these pint-sized powerhouses. I have a feeling that test scores and a lack of a high school diploma won't be a problem.

And finally, the last triumph of Harvard athletics over Yale athletics came later that evening at Blodgett Pool. The men's water polo team, which came into the game riding an eight-game winning streak, had no problem dispatching the Elis 10-2.

The Crimson was just too overpowering. Junior driver Mike Crosby scored four goals as Harvard leapt out to an early lead in the first quarter. The lead was so secure that Harvard Coach Jim Floerchinger went deep into the bench, playing all of his third and fourth string athletes. Even then, Yale could only muster two goals.

"Out of sportsmanship and deference to their team, I would rather not comment on the game," said sophomore driver Mike Masterson.

So, when all was said and done, Harvard was victorious in all of its games with Yale on Saturday. Yale never even had a chance in three of the games, and the only game in which it was competitive was due more to Mafioso tactics than soccer skill.

To anyone who would argue that Yale is better than Harvard, I have laid out an extensive argument with four clear examples of our dominance over you and your school (if I can call it that). You may want to rebut, but you're wrong. Find some other way to waste your time.

Even if the football team should valiantly lose in November, nothing will change. Saturday was the true Harvard-Yale day. We won. You lost. It's as simple as that.

And this, my friends, only proves what all of us on both sides have known for a very long time:

Yale sucks.