Poonsters Produce So-Called Humor Paper

The campus awoke to a big surprise Friday morning when they discovered that the Harvard Lampoon, a semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine, actually produced an issue.

After pushing aside the unfamiliar magazine in their door boxes, students reached for what appeared to be a copy of Cambridge's only breakfast-table daily.

But they were disappointed to find a Lampoon-produced Crimson parody.

The issue detailed the exploits of the newspaper's president's chair in Iceland, where it's been whooping it up with Iceland Prime Minister David Oddsson as well as assorted Icelandic women. The Lampoon stated their demands for return of the chair in the article "Lampoon Makes Clear Terms for Chair Retrieval."

"It is now up to us, [The] Harvard Crimson, to decide whether we will sabotage our own newspaper for one day, or whether we will let [The] Crimson's president's chair remain in Iceland as a symbol of peace and non-aggression between the United States and the nation of Iceland," the Lampoon wrote of the dilemma now facing Crimson staff.

Outgoing Crimson President Joshua H. Simon '00 announced yesterday that The Crimson refuses to give into "terrorist" demands.

"The Crimson has never and will never negotiate," he said.

Simon revealed little about Crimson plans to retrieve the chair, but informed the media that his intelligence staff on ground in Iceland has been briefing him on the matter every 12 hours.

"All I can say is that we've assembled an elite tactical strike team," he said. "They're being readied as we speak and they will be deployed in due time."

For security reasons, Simon could not disclose the names of the members of the squad, known around 14 Plympton St. as the Crimson SEALs.

The Crimson plans to use violence only as a last resort, he added.

"We're being careful not to create an international incident," Simon said.

The Lampoon's demands for returning the chair are the following: to be allowed to change three words of the lead headline of a standard upcoming issue and write a standard length editorial column in an upcoming issue of The Crimson.

Outgoing Lampoon President Matthew C. Warburton '00 said the Lampoon is disappointed The Crimson has not given into their requests.

"I think it's a terrible mistake," he said. "[They] should reconsider."

The Lampoon is open to changing its demands, Warburton said.

In addition to the chair, The Crimson would also receive $500 if incoming Crimson President Alan E. Wirzbicki '01 would agree to certain stipulations.

"If we could get Wirzbicki in a cage, hanging from the ceiling at our next party, that would be okay too," Warburton said. "He could read, think or go-go dance. There would be music playing, so he could get tips. We're fairly generous partygoers."

To avoid any offensive images, the Lampoon requested that Wirzbicki wear "underclothes."

Wirzbicki said last night that he refuses to bend to Lampoon demands.

Simon, however, said he was upset that the Lampoon had overlooked his own cage-dancing skills in favor of his successor's.

"Back in the mid-80s, I made quite a name for myself in L.A. as a cage dancer," Simon said of his career wiggling to the Chuck Mangione number "Feel So Good."

He has been out of the cage for years after injuring his hip attempting a particularly dangerous dance move mastered only by A.J. of the Backstreet Boys. But, Simon added, his retirement is by no means permanent.

"After years of rehabilitation, I might be willing to put my cowboy hat and spurs back on and step back into the cage," Simon said.

Outgoing Editorial Chair Noah D. Oppenheim '00 has also reportedly been caught up in the cage-dancing craze. Unconfirmed sources say that he has offered his cage dancing services to the Lampoon for $10,000.

Wirzbicki said he is not overly concerned with getting the chair back from Iceland.

"They can keep it," he said. "We'll just hit up some rich alum and get a cheap copy made. And then I'll just pathetically lie and say it is the old one."