As Follows: Maxim Manifesto

"As Follows:" publishes primary source material. (Documents printed in this section are real--Fifteen Minutes does NOT author the copy.) Where necessary, FM makes minor editorial changes.

For several months, the door of a student residence in Grays Hall displayed a two-page print out from the Web site of Maxim magazine. The document, called the "Maxim Manifesto," can be viewed at http://www.maximmag.com/1.1-/HTML/list.html. For the record, the first floor of Grays Hall houses only male students. The Manifesto reads as follows:

Maxim Manifesto

Never buy a "new" brand of beer because "it was on sale."

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding. Waiting for the punchline.

If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us park the car.

The quarterback who just got pummelled [sic] isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple "Yes" will do.

What do you mean, "leering?" She's obstructing my view.

When I am turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute as going out to dinner.

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, you can't have the remote control.