IN DEFENSE OF JOHN HARVARD

By day, John Harvard sits stoically while swarms of tourists attack him with flashbulbs and greasy fingers. By night, stumbling freshman stop to perch on his pedestal, temporarily transforming Harvard's "founder" into a fountain. During Harvard-Yale weekend, John rarely escapes evil Elis' spray paint. As much as students complain about the stresses of Harvard life, it's Harvard himself who goes through hell on a daily basis.

John has a team of bodyguards who keep him shiningly happy even in the face of such adversity. Yard manager Merle Bicknell explains that her grounds workers are committed to their ward. "We clean him up," she says.

The maintenance workers coat the statue with beeswax, a first line of defense that protects it from regular wear and tear. Several times a year, his guardians use basic soap and water to give Johnny the extra fresh feeling he deserves. And on those rare occasions when the situation calls for more than the suds can handle, Bicknell brings in the big guns--an intense spraying technique known as "power washing." After all, this isn't John Doe.