HOW TO: SCULPT FRO-YO

Gentle readers: in the past few weeks, many of you have written in, asking to be taught "how to create the perfect fro-yo cone." Some seem to think that the "perfect" cone is some sort of man-sized frozen spiral, a structural wonder whose height is bounded only by the distance from the fro-yo spout to the floor. In today's Dairy Queen world, such an attitude is not surprising--which doesn't make such twisted monstrosities any less apalling. These "comes" are not created so much as they are mindlessly pumped out by the drone-like yogurt lackeys one would expect at the local McDonald's, not at the three-way-tied-for-first best university in the U.S. Today's column is less about making fro-yo than it is about cultivating your soul and freaking out the establishment.

1. To begin, say to yourself: "I'd like a fro-yo cone, hold the cone." While the sentiment might come courtesy of poly-O string cheese, the reasoning is sound. How can you contain yourself within a two-and-a-half inch cylinder made of God-knows-what? The dining hall trays should provide a suitable canvas. Begin your plans here. drawing floor plans as necessary.

2. Build your foundation by dispensing yogurt on your tray in increasingly large concentric circles. When you have accumulated enough material to work with, gather your tools and begin sculpting. Tip: while professional ice sculptors like to work only with chainsaws, it is best to start small. Ask your house custodian for an electric hedge trimmer, then work your way up.

3. The beauty of this last step is that YOU, the reader, must write it for yourself. This step is where you define your very essence in Praline Pecan. There are no limits. Get "freaky" and "totally in your face." Or my face, as it were. Then send it down the conveyor belt for all to enjoy.