How to Build a Fire

step 1.

Open front door of room. Examine contents of door-bin, looking for issues of The Salient. Once found, gather papers together, crumple into tight balls. Return to fireplace, and place the paper under and atop the andirons (available at Dickson Bros. hardware store for $19.99)

step 2.

Open front door of room. Exit House, and find large forest. Inconspicuously chop two or three large trees down. Gather a handful or two of kindling--small logs or twigs. Return to dorm room and place logs on top of the paper on top of the andirons. (Bags of small kindling can be purchased at Christy's for $3.99.)

step 3.

Return to forest. If at all possible, return to spot where originally cut down trees. Find a large log or two. Go back to dorm room and place wood on top of growing pile of fire material, making sure that the developing structure is stable. (Firewood can be bought at Christy's for $3.99.)

step 4.

Make sure the flue is open. Go to Cafe India on Brattle Street. In the foyer, inconspicuously remove a pack of matches from the bin, without entering the restaurant. Hah! You got them. If waiter sees you, sprint out of restaurant, yelling, "they're after me, they're after me!" Return to dorm room. Light a match and light newspaper in several places. Watch your fire burn! (Matches available at Christie's for free.)