Fifteen Minutes: Throwing a Curve Ball: FM Asks the U.C. Presidential Candidates Questions They Never Expected.

Sterling P.A. Darling

Sterling Darling's dorm room might have been ransacked by proletariat rebels who whisked away all remnants of popular culture. The only decorations left in his Currier House single are antique desk ornaments, an English history book, and some pictures. One of them is "a bunch of lawyers, or something" he says. There is also a Texas flag. Sterling, dressed in a button-down shirt tucked always into neatly-pressed khakis, sat under the flag and answered FM's nervous-laughter-inducing questions about haircuts, Colt .45 and the beef MexiMelt.

FM: Where do you get your hair cut in the Square?

SPAD: I've gone to Great Cuts before. I went to La Flamme my freshman year. I haven't found the perfect hair cut yet.

FM: It's been a long time.

SPAD: Hmm?

FM: It's been a long time since you've been here and you still haven't found the perfect hair cut. What are you looking for? Price, style?

SPAD: Price definitely needs to be part of it. When I go back to Texas I pay $6. Paying $11 now at La Flamme is a little expensive for a men's haircut.

FM: What was your most embarrassing moment in high school?

SPAD: When I was doing Student Government one of the things that we always did was what we called Breakthroughs at football games. The football team would run through these sheets. It had these little cords that ran in front of it. One time these ropes had gotten crossed somehow. I was the one who was supposed to fix this. I was running back and forth in front of it and almost got killed by the football team. They had chosen the time that I was running in front of it to straighten out the cord [to run on the field]. I kind of ended up in a heap of people. I got hit by a couple of people, though I managed to crawl to the side.

FM: What's the worst grade you've gotten at Harvard?

SPAD: The worst grade at Harvard was a B in Archaic Latin.

FM: How about for an individual assignment?

SPAD: I got a C+ on a midterm freshman year in a core class.

FM: Which class?

SPAD: Rome of Augustus.

FM: What's the nerdiest thing about you?

SPAD: Umm...

FM: And the least nerdy thing.

SPAD: OK. I think the nerdiest thing about me is that I always seem to end up running around. People always stop me in our yard and ask me where I'm running. But I'm never really going anywhere. I'm going to class or something, but for no particular reason am I running. The least nerdy thing is probably...I think...I'm trying to think what 'least nerdy' would be exactly.

FM: For example, have you ever drunk an entire 40-ounce bottle of Colt .45 malt liquor?

SPAD: No, I actually haven't.

FM: Would you like this one?

SPAD: No, that's quite all right.

FM: Do you have a favorite kind of beer?

SPAD: No, I don't drink beer.

FM: Okay. Do you think that Dean Lewis or Neal Rudenstine is more attractive?

SPAD: I think I would have to go with President Rudenstine. He seems to just have that...very distinguished look, I guess you'd say. He's getting to the point where he doesn't seem like someone who's necessarily vain. You know, a little disheveled, sometimes.

FM: Playful, perhaps?

SPAD: Playful I guess would be a good word.

FM: Taco Bell: Delicious way to spread Mexican cooking across the land, or disgusting mockery?

SPAD: Disgusting mockery.

FM: What's your favorite Taco Bell menu item?

SPAD: I'm a big fan of the beef MexiMelt.

FM: Did you know you can get the beef MixiMelt with beans? You should try that sometime.

SPAD: That sounds good. It's a traditional menu item. It's not one of these new...I-don't-know-what-they're-trying-things.

FM: Ha ha. Did any of your freshman roommates annoy you?

SPAD: None of my roommates really made me that mad. I'd never had roommates before. It was an interesting experience, like, living with people.

FM: What's your favorite movie?

SPAD: Big fan of Braveheart. Scottish bias, I guess.

FM: If things came to a certain point, would you show Rudenstine your ass?

SPAD: I don't think I'd do that. I'd rather line about two or three thousand people up in front of Mass Hall screaming.

FM: So you're from Texas.

SPAD: Yeah.

FM: So your last name is Darling.

SPAD: Yeah.

FM: What are some of the things people would say when they made fun of you in elementary school?

SPAD: It was mostly the way they would say my last name. People were fond of the 'Oh, my darling' jokes. Or 'My darling, Sterling.'

FM: So do you get that a lot at Harvard, too?

SPAD: I still get it sometimes.

FM: The former U.N. Secretary-General was named Boutros Boutros-Ghali. If elected, would you name yourself Sterling-Sterling Darling?

SPAD: No. I would not rename myself Sterling-Sterling Darling.

--Ben D. Mathis-Lilley

Frank X. Leonard

Frank Leonard for President. The phrase has a certain ring to it, a sound one can only obtain if lucky enough to have a proper name for both first AND last name. Frank Leonard for President meets me in the courtyard of Kirkland House. I am led to a seemingly modest room in a Kirkland entryway, but what lies behind its door is no tame student residence--it is the campaign war room of Frank Leonard for President. From this well-equipped room complete with schedules and strategies on the wall, a vacuumed carpet, bottles of vodka on the mantle, and a polished coffee/campaign strategy table, the true Frank Leonard for President, muscleman, cookie-lover, mouseketeer extraordinare, comes through.

FM: Okay Frank, What is your political leaning?

FL: Um, well in the real world I'm a democrat, and I mean my family is one of the biggest Irish democrat political machine families.

FM: Irish political machine? That sounds rather Mafia-esqe. Are you using their services in this election?

FL: No, their services were offered but I turned them down

FM: What 5 items do you get at the Fly-by? Or do you sometimes get 6 and sneak one into your pocket?

FL: I used to sneak 6 because I used to get 2 pbj sandwiches and then you have to get 2 things of milk and then I always wanted 2 cookies, so I'd try to sneak the other cookie.

FM: Okay so that's two packs of cookies with four cookies in each, which is 8 cookies. That's a lot of cookies Frank.

FL: Yes, I am a big fan of cookies.

FM: Okay. What was your stance on the grape controversy in the UC?

FL: I wasn't on the UC at that point.

FM: What would your stance have been?

FL: I honestly didn't know what the issues were. Although I do say that I support having grapes in the dining halls, because grapes are some of the few fruits that I do like.

FM: So you like grapes.

FL: I do like grapes.

FM: Do you like raisins?

FL: I don't like raisins.

FM: So there is a difference between the shriveled and the actual fruit.

FL: Yes

FM: Are you responsible for the stench outside of the science center?

FL: I am not responsible for the stench outside the Science Center. The UC is not responsible for the stench outside the science center. That doesn't relieve us from our duty of trying to fix it. That smell sucks.

FM: How many pushups can you do?

FL: I dunno

FM: Do you work out regularly?

FL: I worked out this summer. I don't work out at the Mac its frustrating. That's the other thing. I will buy 25 pound weights for the Mac. If I get elected, I will find some money and buy these weights.

FM: Can you lift them you think?

FL: The 25 pound ones? I can handle the 25s yeah. I can definitely bench more than any of the other candidates.

FM: Do you think you could flex for me right now.

FL: Uh, I could flex for you, yes. I just have to flex?

FM: Yes.

FL: Would you like to check it out? (flexes)

FM: I would like to check it out. {I reach over and test out his muscle. It roughly the size of a dining hall orange.)

FM: What's the worst grade you've ever gotten?

FL: Worst final grade is a B. Worst grade I've even gotten - Psyc 1. I was taking it pass fail, 215 people in the course and he put up a grade distribution, and there was 215 grades, right down there on the bottom, there was one person who had failed. And that was me.

FM: What Disney character would you most want to sleep with?

FL: Minnie mouse.

FM: Minnie mouse?

FL: Yeah, that's her name right. Minnie mouse. She's hot.

FM: You're not going with jasmine from Aladdin or Ariel from little mermaid? You go for the mouse? I mean, she's not even human.

FL: Well, I mean, come on. We gotta talk about real old school Disney.

FM: What is the most romantic thing you've ever done for a girl?

FL: I took an ex-girlfriend out and I had in the back a box with champagne and strawberries, and we also had some wine and cheese in the back plus some other pastries and we went into rural Utah, and put a blanket down and sat under the stars.

FM: 'Sat,' huh. Did you get some action?

FL: Yes, I did get some action that night

FM: Do you think that you are a popular person?

FL: My mom tells me that I am.

FM: What else does she tell you?

FL: She tells me that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

FM: Do you believe her?

FL: Um. Sometimes.

--Alana E. Semuels

Fentrice Driskell

Fentrice Driskell's room is a comfortable Mather single: ginger snaps box, lava lamp, empty Chopin imported vodka bottle. Fendrice sat under a Tupac poster and he stared down at her in his gold jewelry and tattoos. She answered questions about cheerleading, thugs, alien invasions, and being a super hero.

Fifteen Minutes: You said you wanted to bring pop concerts to Harvard. Who would you like to see sing in Sanders?

Fentrice Driskell: I'm a big Tupac fan. One of the greatest ones ever. I'd love to see Outkast, Wyclef, Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys.

FM: What do you think about Tupac and thugs?

FD: I don't think that [thug] was the real Tupac. Not the Tupac I've known from reading his books or poetry. He was actually a very quiet and introverted person. In public he was just out there; thug like this thug like that.

FM: Did you watch Sesame Street as a child?

FD: Absolutely.

FM: What character do you resemble?

FD: Elmo, the sweet one that everybody likes.

[she points him out on the bed beside her]

FM: He's on your bed.

FD: Yep. He needs to put on his shirt.

[takes out Elmo shirt]

FM: Ah. He's naked.

FD: (laughs.)

FM: What Sesame Street characters do your opponents resemble?

FD: Todd Plants is like--who is the guy with the nose? Not Gizmo.

FM: Gonzo?

FD: Gonzo. Yes.

FM: That's a muppet.

FD: Todd likes to speak out a lot and I just remember Gonzo's voice as being very distinct.

FM: Do you remember Gonzo's nose?

FD: Todd's got a fine nose. It's not his nose that reminds me of Gonzo.

FM: If you were a some sort of super hero, what would you do?

FD: Fly. Be invisible. Solve social justice problems in a single bound. Wear a tiger striped cape.

FM: Would you have a weapon?

FD: I could read people's minds like The Shadow, that movie with Alec Baldwin where he could control the minds of men. Being invisible would be handy for getting into places when people came after me.

FM: Have you had dreams about the election?

FD: I dreamt I was speaking from where the President speaks in a counsel meeting.

FM: Were you president in high school?

FD: For four years. I was a cheerleader. [pulls out cheerleader doll of herself.] This is me.

FM: Cheer for me.

FD: Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!! B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!!! Skills for life.

FM: Definitely. Have you ever dated a football guy?

FD: In eighth grade. In high school too.

FM: Any cheerleading memories?

FD: My best friend and I were walking in the hallway and my assistant principal was like "Oh my God." And we said "What?" And he said, "There's been this terrible accident outside. This car just swiped the side off of this gray Volvo." She had a gray Volvo. We went outside and the car was fine. He had a big old laugh. So we said "We're gonna get you." So we got about ten football players, a bunch of tissue, tape, shaving cream and streamers. And we wrapped them around his truck. And we had football players pick up his truck and turn it horizontal in the parking place. We were like "We told you you were going DOWN!" The principal called us into the office next week pretending there was some serious charge and he took out handcuffs. They were about to arrest me. But it was just a joke.

M: What are your bad qualities?

FD: I run late.

FM: Fashionably?

FD: Clearly you don't want to be on time or early because you look too anxious. In high school, 'on time' was when I got there.

FM: You were in a Bible Study group. What did you like about it?

FD: It wasn't like: "You need to do this: Blah blah blah." We'd talk a lot about dating. Ways to be in Godly relationships. For the guys to open doors for the women know that they're not weak and they could do it themselves but be a gentleman.

FM: Would you describe Tupac as a 'gentleman?' What about his 'ho' lyrics?

FD: "Every other city we go, every other video. No matter where I go, I see the same ho." There are some women who are kind of ho-ish. But there are Tupac songs that uplift women: "Daddy's all gone and he left you by your lonesome. Thank the lord for my kids even if nobody else wants em. But you can make it. So stand up, Stand tall."

FM: What are you afraid of?

FD: When I was little I was terrified of aliens. I had a dream that there were aliens at my window. I woke up from the dream and there were shadows and imprints on the curtains from the trees and the streetlights. It scared me so much because I thought it was real.

FM: What did these aliens look like?

FD: Like animated people. I remember them smiling a lot. It was a very disturbing smile. They wouldn't stop.

FM: So if you're President and aliens descend on Harvard, what do you do?

FD: The aliens that smile so disturbingly?

FM: Yeah, the ones that smile so disturbingly.

FD: Well, I'd put on my tiger cape. I'd turn into Fentrice Woman, and I'd kick some alien butt.

-- Nina 'O Yuen

Ben W. Dreyfus

Ben Dreyfus wears a tie-dye shirt, a pony-tail, and has that distinguishable awkward feel to him that only a gifted science student could possess. Most importantly, however, he rocks back and forth with his torso, constantly gyrating when searching for an answer and sometimes even stops the tape to ease the pressure that seems to come out of nowhere. His answers are never immediate, but when they are uttered they are shot out at rapid fire, so fast the answers are sometimes confusing. To get a sense of Dreyfus' platform check http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~dreyfus. And if you want a better feel of Dreyfus, check out his personal web-page at http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~dreyfus/index2.html

Fifteen Minutes: If you could kick any student group off campus which would it be?

Ben Dreyfus: The Harvard Juggling Team, since their juggling is dangerous to pedestrians.

FM: What's the first thing you'll do if elected? (as a person)

BD: I'm going to Walt Disney World.

FM: You're driving a train with the entire student body on it when you see a roadblock up ahead. You could keep going and kill everyone on the train, or swerve and just kill your roommate. what do you do?

BD: I have a single. I don't have a roommate.

FM: What body part of yours do you dislike the most?

BD: The left part.

FM: Did you ever have a crush on a cartoon figure?

BD: Lisa Simpson.

FM: What's the worst thing that could go wrong in the election?

BD: The apocalypse.

FM: What's the biggest vocab word you know and what does it mean?

BD: "Wall." A structural edifice partitioning two rooms.

FM: What's in your pockets at this very moment?

BD: (pulls out some keys, a kazoo, and a Pez dispenser)

FM: How many pushups can you do?

BD: As few as possible.

FM: Do you wear tighty whiteys or boxers?

BD:(hesitatingly) tighty whiteys.

FM: Talk about your vice president?

BD: I don't have a running mate.

FM: Why is that?

BD: The default is not to have one. The others choose to have one, because they are weak as individuals and need to rely on others.

FM: Where do you get your hair cut in the Square?

BD: I don't.

FM: Most embarrassing moment in high school?

BD: In high school or like during high school?

FM: Yeah, in high school.

BD: Not when its really at the high school?

FM: Right, during high school.

BD: [One time I was on a plane.] So, I wanted to open the little window-shade thing and when I did that the window itself actually popped out. So all the pressure started getting sucked out of the cabin and it was weird. So I could feel the air being sucked out and I was being like sucked out of the window. And I was like calling the flight attendant for help. So I was holding on to the seat in front of me. So the flight attendant comes by and so I am like holding on to her arm and I'm like help, help. And eventually we both got sucked out of the plane and we started like falling down and I was using my shirt as a parachute whatever. We land in this field in the middle of Ohio, and then my pants fell down. It was really embarrassing.

FM: A living wage? Discuss.

BD: Wages are generally in the form of money which is generally in paper form, or in coins occasionally, and more oftenly in the electronic form which is in a bank somewhere and by definition these forms are not living. In the past wages were paid in sheep and camels and things that were in fact living, but I think we moved beyond that and I don't think we should like go backwards towards the whole barter economic systems.

FM: What's the worst grade you've ever gotten at Harvard (on a test, quiz, prob. set, course, etc.?).

BD: It has yet to happen. It'll be this semester.

FM: Which would mean what?

BD: I have several courses that are competing for that.

FM: Many people complain that the UC candidates are all boring. Do you have an piercings, body art or any other distinguish physical features? Please show me.

BD: I have a random patch of hair on my back. Only that patch, I don't know how it got there.

FM: What do you concentrate in and what do you concentrate most on at Harvard?

BD: My concentration is physics and I have the official endorsement of the Society of Physics Students.

FM: And what do you concentrate most on at Harvard?

BD: Waking up. It's difficult.

FM: How many requirements have you fulfilled (i.e. sex in the stacks, running around the yard naked)?

BD: Depends on your definition of naked. Last year during the primal scream I participated in running wearing a suit and tie to make a statement about modern society in the sense that which of us is truly naked. It was sort of a "Where's Waldo" thing, this person amongst all the naked, in a more literal sense, people.

FM: What do you think of the Crimson?

BD: I support the Crimson and I look forward to discussing them at the time they're considering whom to endorse. So I'm a big fan of the Crimson.

FM: And FM?

BD: Does FM do endorsements?

FM: Not that I know of, but (awkward silence)

BD: In that case I have no opinion.

-- Eliot I. Hodges

Todd E. Plants

Todd Plants hasn't done laundry in quite some time. His room is growing disheveled piles of shirts, pants and who knows what else. A Trainspotting poster and several homages to R.E.M. cover the walls. Like many college dorms, there is a dart board and a picture of Shaft, a teddy bear on the bookshelf, and a Detroit Red Wings banner. Plants seems at home in his room, comfortable with the clutter, and when guests come over, he kindly offers them a seat on a sketchy futon and a glass of iced tea.

Fifteen Minutes: Boxers or tighty whiteys?

Todd Plants: Mostly boxers, but willing to go with briefs for sports and stuff.

FM: Which Disney character would you most like to have sex with?

TP: Most like to have sex with?

FM: Yes, we're not talking about relationships or nice characteristics, but just like--damn, he or she is it.

TP: Well see, now, the little mermaid has the cross species thing going on, which could just be--well, it's kind of erotic. Mulan was a bad ass. And I tend to like strong, powerful women. Pocahontas, I don't know, I never saw Pocahontas, but I get a sense that that character was really developed. She seemed kind of shallow in the previews.

FM: Could you do a few push-ups for me? Don't like hurt yourself or anything, but you know...

TP: Um, it's been a very long time. (Todd does 10 push-ups) There's ten for you, now like compared to the guys that spend all day at the gym. That's pretty pathetic.

FM: Have you ever smoked marijuana?

TP: No.

FM: Why not?

TP: Honestly, the only time I've ever been in a situation where I could have, it was like a big crazy party, and everyone had done it before. And if I'm going to do that, I would rather it be in a low-key setting, not a wild and crazy setting. I guess I just don't hang out with the right kind of people.

FM: Okay, in reference to girls which do you prefer, spit or swallow?

TP: Well I'd have to say that it's nothing I feel I can force upon anybody. One of the best things I've ever read in like an advice column sort of thing. A guy wrote it and he said "Girls, when we do it, we don't have a choice, but when you do it..." that was sort of where he left it. I always thought that was kind of a decent take on things.

FM: When you were young, what was your imaginary friend's name?

TP: Well, there were a number of them, actually. There was Little Man, who was you know, a little man. There was Gonzo the horse. There was a third one, I think it may have just been called monster, who was, like, a monster. And my mom tells me stories where I used to have races with them and I would race around the house and my mom is like "Todd, Todd, why are you running around?" and I'm like "Well, I'm having a race with Gonzo and Little Man" and just kept running around. Then the next time I came around she'd be like "Todd, Todd, you've got to hurry up--they're way ahead." Then I stopped and looked at her and was like "Mom, they're imaginary you can't see them," so I've always had, you know, that interesting dynamic between imagination and reality.

FM: What is your best body part?

TP: You want to know what people think is hot? I like my eyes. I've been told I have good eyes. Beyond that I've been told that my tongue is desirable.

FM: Do you want to go take a bath with me?

TP: I often complain to people that shit like that never happens to me. That random women don't come up to me and ask do I want to have lesbian sex with them and their friend.

FM: How many times in a week do you pleasure yourself?

TP: Pleasure myself? Um, I'd like to think that I'm good to myself. But um... I'm just going to avoid interpreting that as how many times a week do you masturbate. I try to do certain things at least every day to make myself happy. Things that are purely for me. There's a baseball columnist that I read every day. I often stop by and get smoothies. Friday and Saturday night I always try to do something fun, even just for a couple of hours...

FM: So how many times a week do you masturbate?

TP: I honestly can't remember the last time.

FM: How many times a week do you pleasure your running mate?

TP: My running mate? Again I'm not going to interpret that the way you want me to. I occasionally do nice things for him.

FM: And finally, who's your daddy?

TP: Well, can I ask a clarifying question? What exactly does that mean?

FM: I can only describe what it means, really, by saying the opposite question would be "who's your bitch?"

TP: Right.

FM: So like who do you dominate and who dominates you, basically.

TP: I'll interpret that two different ways. Because on a more philosophical level like "who's my daddy?" I really think Michael Stipe is cool. Cool, powerful presence and in terms of like cool performance personality--in terms of a more personal level. There are a couple of really good friends who just kick my ass. Who really challenge me.

-- Antoinette C. Nwandu