Truth Is Stranger Than...

You have entered the Twilight Zone. Yes, this may be the weirdest news week ever. The newsroom and the wires were full of oddities this week--oddities that were sometimes just utterly ludicrous and at other times sad and scary. In case you missed 'em...

Item one: The death of Hsing-Hsing, the last remaining giant panda at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C.

Seeing the pandas at the National Zoo is one of my first memories of our nation's capital. I still have a memento of my first visit to the zoo--a tiny stuffed panda that hangs on the doorknob of my bedroom.

So when I found out that Hsing-Hsing, suffering from kidney disease, was euthanized at the zoo Sunday, I was sad. When you are five years old and go to the zoo and see a big, black-and-white fuzzy bear, you don't think Nixon. You don't think China. You think cute. And you think forever.

But apparently I am alone in this.

"It's black and white and dead all over," my editor said, when I told him I was in mourning.

It's a big, dead bear, he said. An old bear. It was Hsing-Hsing's time.

"He lived a long, fruitful, panda life--in a cage," my editor said.

Editors. Cold, heartless editors. Everything you've ever heard about them is true.

(Just kidding. But I do miss the bear, no matter how illogical it is.)

Item two on the litany of lunacy: An excerpt of an AP story which ran in Wednesday's Crimson.

"A transsexual woman has filed a lawsuit alleging that police stormed her apartment and terrorized her family because they disapproved of her gender change."

The New York woman's lawsuit alleges that following an emergency medical phone call, two cops forcibly entered her apartment and beat the occupants, including her mother, siblings and a neighbor; that they called her a slew of names; that they used Mace; that they trashed the apartment; that they tranquilized two dogs, one of which later had to be put down; and that they stole money.

It also says she was taken to a psychiatric ward and detained there until the next day, while her family and neighbor were arrested and charged with felonies. (The story says the charges were subsequently dismissed.)

The cops used Mace on her dogs because they didn't like her sex change?

Item three: The Starbucks guy who was attacked by a toilet.

(Yes, The Crimson ran not one, but many bizarre AP stories this week. Don't tell me you missed them. If you did, go back and look at them. No, really.)

Mr. Starbucks was in the bathroom at a branch of the coffee chain and somehow managed to become stuck, if you get my meaning, in between the toilet and seat. (I'm somewhat embarrassed even to be recounting or summarizing this story.) As a result of the incident which led to his injury, he has filed suit against Starbucks. Some accounts say he and his wife may now be unable to have children. He reportedly wants $1 million for himself--and another $500,000 for her. (Why does she get only half what he gets? Go figure.)

Item four: The Adventures of B.J.

Item five: The Naked Man With A Sword. Perhaps the weirdest--and saddest--of all.

According to various news reports, on Sunday, a naked man brandishing a samurai sword dashed into a London church and attacked the parishioners, injuring 11 people, some quite seriously.

I thought this was weird. Then I read on. The naked slasher had sidekicks, two clothed men with sticks. What's more, the Guardian in London said the man was stopped by an off-duty cop-who used a piece of organ pipe to fight him off. The Scotsman says a bank clerk also fought with a pole-mounted crucifix.

The Scotsman also reports that a Glasgow man named Eden Strang is charged with attempted murder for the incident. And the church's canon is named John Lennon.

One of the injured men, the Scotsman reports, had his face basically cut down the middle--yet somehow survived. Some of his fingers were also injured.

"An operation to re-attach a finger and thumb he lost while trying to shield himself from the swordsman's blows was postponed after doctors grafted the digits on to his other arm to prevent the tissue from dying," the Scotsman reports.

In other words, to save the fingers from one arm, they stuck them on the other. I can't think of enough horrible adjectives for this story. When did the world around us become so manic? It's really frightening to think about how rapidly the world can tilt out of control. When did reporting the news become so crazy?

Conclusion: What a week. The Second Law of Thermodynamics is seeping into the newsroom. Civilization is on a perpetual decline. The World Is Coming To an End.

I'm just being an alarmist. Seriously, doesn't this scare you? 'Cause it scares the bejeebers out of me. And you know what? There's still time for another weird incident. The week isn't over yet.

Vasugi V. Ganeshananthan '02, a Crimson editor, is an English concentrator in Lowell House.