Fifteen Minutes: The Annotated Crimson Newsroom

1. Caricature of Joshua H. Simon, most recent in a long line of Crimson presidents. Unfortunately, this looks very little like Josh and quite a bit like a kid named David who lives in Quincy.

2. Richard A. Perez, face obscured by computer. Rich belongs to an elite Crimson crew of Sports boys, who tend to make lots of noise, slap high-fives and hold impromptu suitcase auctions in this very space. (Rich is one of the few members who did not attend Regis High School in New York.) FM likes Sports. Aarons used to proof their section until FM ate him.

3. Random compers, taking news very seriously.

4. News and business phone and fax numbers, for quick reference. Please call 576-6565 if you hear of any actual news.

5. Sugi (genus: ganeshananthan), somewhat blurry. Sugi acts as Assistant Night Editor (ANE) for news on Tuesday nights, which are FM's production nights. She takes this very seriously. FM likes to try to keep the daily from coming out on Wednesday by using more than one computer at once. Luckily, Sugi huffs and puffs and manages to prevent this from happening.

6. Drawing board. Note lack of artist. The Graphics board has been in the process of dying all year, and it can be difficult to find anyone to draw anything.

7. The two lone macs in the newsroom, these feature a faulty yet essential series of Quark programs. They combine with the Imagesetter to cause all sorts of problems that keep Crimson execs around late into the night.

8. To supply closet, locked and out of paper, and vending machine. Highlight: Junior Mints.

9. Festering dining hall tray.

10. James Y. Stern, fleeced.

11. Fish bowl, former home to PTF (Patrick the Fish). Managing Editor Georgia N. Alexakis brought about the demise of this goldfish (a gift from her predecessor Andrew S. Chang) when she filled his bowl with cold, instead of lukewarm, water. GNA later replaced PTF with Andy and Warhol, named in FM's honor, but they died too.

12. The reporter's bible, a 32-page pamphlet containing such pearls of wisdom as "Each reporter must bring his or her own pens to the building. But beware, The Crimson is crawling with pen thieves. Guard pens carefully. (Helpful hint: pens don't work well when wet. The well-prepared reporter always has a couple of pencils handy to use while covering rainy-day protests and rallies.)"

13. Andrew K. Mandel, FM proofer extraordinaire, checking e-mail. FM is very indebted to Andrew, who, unlike FM, genrally understands Crimson style, knows how to spell and can identify libel.

14. Phone. As the Reporter's Bible states, "There are dozens of [these] scattered around the newsroom and offices. You are free to use any of them." Access codes allow for free calls to Maine and Israel, among other places.

15. Computer mouse. Inevitably greasy.

16. To printer. Not only do newsroom computers rarely print to this printer, but when they do, they print-outs display odd beige birthmark-type spots.

17. This is Parker E. Conrad. Parker covers the Undergraduate Council for news. He takes this very seriously. Although you may not be able to tell from this angle, in this picture he is simultaneously spinning around in his chair, sending a mass e-mail re: cool places to live, punching several final clubs and expounding on the pressing issues of his life in a very, very loud voice.

18. To design office, where Alicia and helpers make FM come to life. Our photographer, Matthew R. Cordell, finds the foam of the couch in here almost as tasty as beans.

19. Conference room. Contains television, where Sports watches sports. Also home to daily dummy meetings, for news writers. Alicia and Anna voted this the place in the building where they'd most like to have sex. Mica preferred the Sanctum. Aaron and JP missed the vote.

20. FM office, which we share with Arts. Great closet in which to spot cuties Benjamin E. Lytal and Mei Pin Phua. Unfortunately, without computers, the space has become a general junk repository. FM actually happens in the design office (see arrow) and here, in the newsroom.

21. Missing from this picture: Air, windows, Adam S. Cohen (just kidding).