Fifteen Minutes: Kirshner's Personal Astrological Reading

Kirshner dials 1-800-709-6263, a number appearing in a Cosmopolitan ad that reads: "Our professional psychics can make you life as predictable as the moon. $3.99 per minute."

An echoing voice asks the professor to enter his credit card number.

A recording then lists options for Kirshner to request a specific psychic, get the first available one, or pick from a list. He pauses to consider.

"Let's take the first available psychic." He presses number 1.

Talking over the mystical music while on hold, Kirshner muses about the income of astrologists.

"I suspect there are a few that make a LOT of money. Although I think some of those people might actually be corporate entities. You know some of those big name psychics are probably really a group of exploited people from the Lampoon. Instead of going to Hollywood, these are the ones who went straight there."

"Are we paying $3.99 while we're on hold?" he asks.

"Ooh-a personal psychic!" He imitates a mystical voice and says: "I knew you were going to call."

Just after this joke, the psychic picks up and begins:

My name is Mimi. Have we spoken before?

"No, Mimi we have NOT spoken before."

The reason I ask is that is I've been doing this for 10 years, and I get a lot of the same people calling.

"You have been doing this for 10 years?"

Yes.

"That's a long time."

It is a long time. Now, I want you to get something to write on. Concentrate, and say your name three times.

"Robert, Robert, Robert."

OK, when is your birthday, Robert?

"August 15, 1949."

What state are you in?

"The state of Massachusetts."

Although I'm clairvoyant, I am also using tarot cards--Egyptian cards...

"Are there different kinds of cards?"

Yes. Now, Robert, you belong to the sign of Leo, is this correct?

"Yeah, I guess so,"

And then, presumably flipping over cards at the other end of the line, Mimi begins a general reading.

Robert, you will be beginning what we call another cycle. During that time, Robert, you will be having many changes. Most of these changes are going to be good ones. There are going to be two men and two women. I will tell you their signs so that you may know them...

Your color will be very strong. It's going to be like a ruby red or wine red.

Whenever you have a special occasion, try to wear something that has a touch of ruby red or wine red.

Remember three things, Robert: flowers, perfumes and colors. These are things that have a lot of magnetism. Physically, spiritually and with the mind, they attract good things to us.

Now I am going to consult the Egyptian tarot cards.

"Did the Egyptians use the same kind of numbers?"

[Silence.]

"Are they in Arabic?"

They are Egyptian tarot cards, I don't know what the difference is! Now listen, I am going to give you a lot of numbers, OK.

"OK, I do a lot of stuff with numbers."

Write them on different pieces of paper, two lists, keep one list at home and always carry one with you.

Write down 6 and 7, 10 and 11, 16 and 18, 20, 25, and 27. You should have 9 numbers in all. Of these numbers circle number 7. Now, write down 1, 8, 2 and 5. You can use these numbers in any order, just don't turn them around.

"What would happen if I did that?"

Just DON'T turn them around. I knew a lady who in order to keep a dress longer wearing, she used to wear it inside out.

"Well, a 7 would look funny from inside out."

Well, I'm just telling you what I know. Don't turn them inside out. Now, are you going to be traveling out of state?

"Yeah, I'm going to an observatory."

Yes, I see that trip lasting more than a few days.

"Well, that's right, it's going to be about a week."

Are you thinking about moving?

"No--I'm not thinking about moving. No way."

Well, it doesn't have to be actually a physical move. It could be just a possibility of a change of residence.

"A possibility, huh?"

Yes, a possibility of moving. Robert, you get me mixed up, you keep jumping in and asking questions, just LET me talk and ask questions later!

Professor Kirshner recoils from the scolding, and Mimi continues.

I believe that you will be having a move, and this could come through a relationship.

"Oh man. This sounds bad. I don't want to move!"

With the man, you are going to have an extra income coming in. Financially now, your budget is tight. That will pass.

"Really!?"

Robert, please, listen to what I'm going to say! If you're doing well, you're going to be even better. Money-wise the situation will improve...

"Thank you, Mimi. That's enough for me. I don't think I want to move, but if I get a lot more money from the man, like maybe the dean . . . that could be good."

This could be your boss or a business associate! You don't like having more money? What's the problem?

"Thanks Mimi. Goodbye."

Twelve minutes and $48 later, Kirshner jokingly reflects on his new astrological knowledge of self.

"Hmm, Two men and two women. The color is ruby red... So I guess if I spill wine on my shirt I shouldn't clean it... And another cycle... what she meant was another semester. Yes! In February, I'll be getting a whole new cycle of students for the new semester!" And finally, contemplating his numerological fate, Kirshner laughs and says, "Well, there's only 10 numbers... Probably 1,8,2 and 5 WILL crop up."