Beer, Beer, and More Beer: A Drinker's Guide to the Suds

Beer is barley, hops, yeast and water. Beer is meant to be cold, refreshing and intoxicating. But beer is best if you know what you're drinking. Branching out from Natty Light and the Beast can be intimidating; holding a comforting can of Busch, swilling pitchers of Red Dog and requesting a Rolling Rock at a microbrewery is akin to having a martini straight up with an olive in a Dixie cup. (Especially if the Dixie cup has cartoon characters all over it.)

All Harvard students are trained in the art of bullshit--shouldn't that apply to beer drinking? At least pretend to know what you're talking about beyond Bud. Ale tends to be sweet and smooth with a higher alcohol content; Ale is probably what you know the best (read: Miller Shite); bitter is bitter; IPA is India Pale Ale and distinctively alcoholic; lager is simply aged, bottom fermented beer; pale ale ranges from mild to bitter with a dry taste; pilsners are very dry and tend to be light.

All beer minutia aside, most people just want to imbibe vast amounts of beer in one sitting. UHS calls it binge drinking--students just call it kickin' the keg. There is one vital element to every party: beer. The easiest way to keep the beer flowing is by pumping the keg and the easiest way to get a keg is by calling everyone's favorite corner store, Louie's Superette (26 Surrey St., next to Mather, 876-6856; keg of BudLight $70 plus $10 deposit).

Once the keg is secured, there are more creative and competitive ways of quaffing your booze than keg stands and guzzling. Beer games are truly the finer art. A favorite of the masses, "Beer Pong" evokes the ruthless competitive spirit of any participant. In this tipsy version of ping-pong, players congregate around a table and attempt to hit the ball into the cups of their opponents, placed in front of every competitor. When the ball finds its home, chugging commences. There are many varieties in this game of agility, and hand-eye coordination tends to decrease as the game unfolds. But most beer games don't require physical activities. "I Never", the drinking version of a gossip column, creates a forum for sexual discovery; "Circle of Death" has too many rules for serious drinkers, but this card game is guaranteed to destroy inhibitions; "Beiruit" is a simple game of chucking ping-pong balls into your opponent's cups organized in a triangle; last but not least, "Quarters" is a real game of skill-bounce coins off the table into the cup and drink away.

Drinking games can get rowdy; when the cops show up, know your rights. Contrary to popular belief, Massachusetts has no documented law about the confiscation of ID. So next time a linebacker at door of the Grille tries to snag your card under the pretense of "Mass law" don't back down--unless there's a cop standing behind him.