Physicists Invent New Nutty Professor

A smattering of physics students defied scientific law last winter. They created a professor out of thin air--in a prank that CUE Guide Editor-in-Chief Ona M. Hahs '99 says "hoodwinked the entire University administration."

While sifting through course evaluations this summer, Hahs and her staff were tickled by the name of one of the professors evaluated in Physics 125, "Widely Applied Physics."

Professor Ulf Fireloins was listed as "professor B" on about 10 evaluation forms received by the Committee on Undergraduate Education (CUE) office, Hahs says. Loeb Associate Professor of the Natural Sciences John M. Doyle was "professor A."

The CUE Guide staff assumed Fireloins was real.

The outlandish name did not faze anyone; it just elicited a few chuckles in the publication's office.

"We thought he was Norwegian," Hahs says.

The seeming legitimacy of the CUE guide forms--which included an alphanumeric code assigned to Fireloins by the dean of undergraduate education's office--ended any suspicions about the professor's existence, Hahs says.

"The sheet that we got from Professor Doyle's physics class looked completely official, and Professor Fireloins was evaluated by several students in a very convincing way," says Ali Ruth Davis '01, associate editor of the CUE Guide. "Some students evaluated his teaching style, and others evaluated his clothing style--perfectly plausible for a CUE Guide evaluation."

It was mid-July--after the statistical analysis of Physics 125, as well as the about 500 other tallies CUE computes annually, were complete--when the plot thickened.

Following tradition, Christopher Lowell '99,CUE guide associate editor, wanted to create astaff T-shirt featuring a fake CUE evaluation onthe back, using Fireloins as the course'sprofessor.

Hahs instructed Lowell to locate Fireloins andask permission for the use of his name.

Lowell called the physics department. No onehad ever heard of an Ulf Fireloins.

Lowell phoned the Registrar's Office. Again, noUlf.

Lowell contacted the University payroll office,which keeps records of every professor whoreceives a salary at Harvard.

Unless he had been teaching on a voluntarybasis, Ulf Fireloins was not a Harvard instructor.

Directory assistance had no listing for aFireloins.

"It was getting ludicrous," Lowell says.

Then several CUE Guide staffers dashed offe-mail messages to friends who were physicsconcentrators.

Hahs received a reply first, and learned thetruth: Doyle's class had conned the College.

William Kaminsky '98, who took Physics 125 lastfall, told Hahs that Doyle was the initiator ofthe CUE gag, and had duped The Crimson intoprinting Fireloins' opinions on campus issues inthe past.

According to Kaminsky, Doyle told his studentsabout his Crimson jokes as they were filling outtheir CUE guide evaluations, and some decided tohelp the tradition live on.

According to Hahs, Eva Milofsky, anadministrator in the office of the Dean forUndergraduate Education, had already sent off theprocessed evaluations of Physics 125 to thephysics department and the Derek Bok Center forTeaching and Learning when she learned about thegag.

Fireloins had not received enough comments towarrant extensive mention in the CUE Guide, buthis name was listed as one of the course heads andhad to be removed before publication, Lowell says.

Though a bit stung after being tricked, the CUEGuide staff says the Fireloins search was the mostamusing part of a summer filled with computations.

Hahs thanks Doyle and Fireloins in this year'sCUE Guide acknowledgment section.

"Any break from tallying is nice, but lookingfor Ulf was especially fun because it became sucha manhunt," Davis says. "Granted it wasembarrassing that we had been fooled, but it wasthe worst to find out that there wasn't someonewho had spent his life with the name UlfFireloins."

The staff also made sure there were no othererrors.

"We were so bothered by the fact that we almostmissed Ulf Fireloins that [Hahs] had us double andtriple check every name in the Cue Guide,including TFs and CAs," Davis says. "If there's afake person in there, he or she has fooled theentire University too."

Meanwhile, Doyle insists Fireloins--orFuerloins, as Doyle spells the elusive professor'sname--exists.

Doyle told Hahs that Fuerloins was an adjunctprofessor joint appointed in the department ofphysics at Phantasm University.

Fuerloins was a physics graduate student atHarvard, who may have written his thesis on highenergy physics, "but it could have been higherenergy metaphysics," Doyle says.

"I do not recall not seeing Prof. Fuerloins onmany occasions. I do not recall him not teachingany lectures," Doyle writes in an e-mail messageto The Crimson. "If he did, he was quite bad. Ithink that had something to do with his low CUEguide scores."

Doyle, incidentally, received a 4.9 out of 5.0in the CUE.

"One half of those polled are impressed byProfessor John M. Doyle's expertise, and aslightly smaller number appreciate his sense ofhumor," the CUE Guide reads.

Fireloins could not be reached for comment.CrimsonJay F. Chen

Following tradition, Christopher Lowell '99,CUE guide associate editor, wanted to create astaff T-shirt featuring a fake CUE evaluation onthe back, using Fireloins as the course'sprofessor.

Hahs instructed Lowell to locate Fireloins andask permission for the use of his name.

Lowell called the physics department. No onehad ever heard of an Ulf Fireloins.

Lowell phoned the Registrar's Office. Again, noUlf.

Lowell contacted the University payroll office,which keeps records of every professor whoreceives a salary at Harvard.

Unless he had been teaching on a voluntarybasis, Ulf Fireloins was not a Harvard instructor.

Directory assistance had no listing for aFireloins.

"It was getting ludicrous," Lowell says.

Then several CUE Guide staffers dashed offe-mail messages to friends who were physicsconcentrators.

Hahs received a reply first, and learned thetruth: Doyle's class had conned the College.

William Kaminsky '98, who took Physics 125 lastfall, told Hahs that Doyle was the initiator ofthe CUE gag, and had duped The Crimson intoprinting Fireloins' opinions on campus issues inthe past.

According to Kaminsky, Doyle told his studentsabout his Crimson jokes as they were filling outtheir CUE guide evaluations, and some decided tohelp the tradition live on.

According to Hahs, Eva Milofsky, anadministrator in the office of the Dean forUndergraduate Education, had already sent off theprocessed evaluations of Physics 125 to thephysics department and the Derek Bok Center forTeaching and Learning when she learned about thegag.

Fireloins had not received enough comments towarrant extensive mention in the CUE Guide, buthis name was listed as one of the course heads andhad to be removed before publication, Lowell says.

Though a bit stung after being tricked, the CUEGuide staff says the Fireloins search was the mostamusing part of a summer filled with computations.

Hahs thanks Doyle and Fireloins in this year'sCUE Guide acknowledgment section.

"Any break from tallying is nice, but lookingfor Ulf was especially fun because it became sucha manhunt," Davis says. "Granted it wasembarrassing that we had been fooled, but it wasthe worst to find out that there wasn't someonewho had spent his life with the name UlfFireloins."

The staff also made sure there were no othererrors.

"We were so bothered by the fact that we almostmissed Ulf Fireloins that [Hahs] had us double andtriple check every name in the Cue Guide,including TFs and CAs," Davis says. "If there's afake person in there, he or she has fooled theentire University too."

Meanwhile, Doyle insists Fireloins--orFuerloins, as Doyle spells the elusive professor'sname--exists.

Doyle told Hahs that Fuerloins was an adjunctprofessor joint appointed in the department ofphysics at Phantasm University.

Fuerloins was a physics graduate student atHarvard, who may have written his thesis on highenergy physics, "but it could have been higherenergy metaphysics," Doyle says.

"I do not recall not seeing Prof. Fuerloins onmany occasions. I do not recall him not teachingany lectures," Doyle writes in an e-mail messageto The Crimson. "If he did, he was quite bad. Ithink that had something to do with his low CUEguide scores."

Doyle, incidentally, received a 4.9 out of 5.0in the CUE.

"One half of those polled are impressed byProfessor John M. Doyle's expertise, and aslightly smaller number appreciate his sense ofhumor," the CUE Guide reads.

Fireloins could not be reached for comment.CrimsonJay F. Chen