SHOWER SINGERS ON PARADE

De gustibus non disputandum. As the Romans said, there is no disputing taste. Or maybe there is. Clearly the campus opinion-based Parade of Stars is not universally popular. Clearly the results must be skewed. Unlike other judging panels, students have not necessarily viewed or read all entries. There is no campus performance that has had universal attendance. Is there a fair way to go about this?

Of course. If the concern is blocks of friends voting for a pal's stellar performance rather than that of a stranger who never had the chance to be evaluated, Dartboard has the solution: make the competition even more personal. Categories can be narrow enough that few students would vote for any particular student. All categories will be open to innumerable winners, so that no qualified and praise-starved student will be ignored. Here are some suggestions for new categories:

Creative Cook. The recipient manages to save Savory Baked Tofu and create dinner amidst the bleakest circumstances.

Secret Soprano. She ought to be in the Pitches, but somehow missed the auditions. Only her roommates have access to her early morning shower concerts and know that she knows all nine minutes of "American Pie" by heart.

Best Student. This student doesn't cheat; he just knows the College's academic rules, including which ones can be bent. He does little work, is perpetually late with the little he actually does, and still manages to pull an A.

Big Fish in a Little Pond. The winner has a bloodhound's nose for alcohol and drinks like a fish. While the rest of the campus is bemoaning the lack of a party scene, she is on her tenth beer.