On Parenthood

A most wonderful thing recently happened to a close friend of mine from the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences (GSAS). Last Sunday, when his wife delivered a healthy baby boy, this friend of three years and so many memories instantly became a father.

Along with joy for the family that this birth brought to all who know them, the news had a greater impact on me than I expected. Hearing about my friend's son served as a reality check that brought to mind a number of ideas and re-evaluations. The news led me to reflect a bit on the somewhat artificial construction of being a student and gave me a greater appreciation of parenthood and all that it means. Seeing first-hand the happiness of a new parent and the added responsibility one quickly assumes with parenthood, the passage of time and transition to adulthood struck me in a new and remarkable way.

The new father and old friend is a graduate student three years older than me. While graduate students and undergraduates approach school with different mindsets and maturity levels, the fact remains that we are not much younger than the couple who now have a son. In fact, many of us may today be close to the age at which our parents gave birth to us. As college students, however, parenthood seems far, far away. The fact of the matter is that thousands of people our age are working full time, marrying and even having children. We are in a fairly unique historical position in having the leisure and opportunity to devote years to studies that otherwise would be spent on "real world" activities like marriage and family.

Being a college student often comes with a somewhat artificial attitude of prolonged adolescence. Especially for those of us who are financially supported by our parents, it is easy to adopt an adolescent mentality that denies some basic truths regarding capability and responsibility. Being aided by our parents does not negate the reality that we are people of age who can play a part in society, contribute to the general community and do our share for the world around us. The conveniences of dining halls, summer vacation and six-minute walks to class are wonderful in helping us focus on school, but we should not allow them to make us think that we are still children whose needs for care far outweigh our ability to care for others.

Visits back home and ventures away from campus show us 19 and 20 year-olds living on their own and taking care of the rent. Perhaps this realization can reminds us that a college education is a choice we have made to dedicate our adult years to study, not a mechanism we can use to remain adolescents for four more. From this understanding stems a fuller sense of purpose and a feeling that we ought to approach our studies with a degree of responsibility. Studying is not a job per se, but in many senses, it is what we do instead of working, and it should not be taken lightly. The birth of my friend's son was a reminder that we are closer to parenthood than to childhood, and therefore should act accordingly.

Last week and the period before it also brought about a more concrete appreciation of the love and the sacrifices of parenthood. It's no mystery that parents devote unbelievable amounts of energy to caring for their children and have a deep concern for them that is unlike any other human bond. These realities hit home a lot more, however, when one sees his or her friends and peers having children of their own. Perhaps we've all heard our parents and grandparents tell stories about feeding us, putting us to sleep, caring for us and waking up to our cries. Perhaps we've also been told that "you'll appreciate it when you have children of your own." Seeing a friend have a child is a step in the direction of appreciating the great sacrifices of parenthood.

Throughout our young lives, we see the parent-child relationship from the child's perspective. We are quick to empathize with the child and find it difficult to understand the parent's perspective. As our older peers start families of their own, we suddenly find ourselves catching a glimpse through the parents' eyes. The view is startling but no doubt educational.

Aamir Abdul Rehman '99 is a social studies concentrator in Cabot House. His column appears on alternate Thursdays.