a table

Dear Fifteen Minutes,

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Wednesday morning in Lowell for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us do an interview telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours,   The Breakfast Club

Cast of characters:

The Brain- Gautam Mukunda `01

The Athlete- Neil C. Magnuson `99

The Princess- E. Emy Hancock `00

The Criminal- Tom H. Elke `00

FM: Have you all seen the movie, "The Breakfast Club"?

All: Yes.

Gautam: No, somehow I always have planned to see it--I haven't tried very hard, obviously.

Tom: He's a communist.

FM: So, did any of you ever get detention in high school?

Tom: Yes, twice. The first time because my math teacher was writing on the blackboard and her butt was kind of jiggling and I was laughing. It was freshman year. The girl next to me asked me why I was laughing and I told her and she started laughing too. Then the rest of the class started laughing and Ms. Debil turned around and stared at us and everyone stared at me and she said, "Tom, what is going on?" and I said, "Everyone is laughing because your butt was jiggling."

FM: And the second time?

Tom: The other time I put a girl in a garbage can because she said I was particularly ugly that day.

FM: Do you think that the categorizations made in "The Breakfast Club" hold true at Harvard? Do people define you as they want to define you?

[Silence]

Emy: We're just trying to think...

Neil: I think it's pretty natural to label somebody according to first impressions. I think it definitely holds true here.

Gautam: Everybody stereotypes. It is an easy way to think. It is a sign of intellectual laziness but everybody does it.

FM: Emy, have you ever gone out with a "criminal" type to rebel against your parents?

Emy: Oh, absolutely.

Tom: No diggity!

Emy: Like, junior year, I went out with this one really bad, bad guy. And I don't want to identify him publicly. It worked for a little while and then I got tired of being bad.

FM: Gautam, in the movie the "brain" takes wood shop because he thinks it will be an easy "A" and he wants to maintain his high grade point average. Have you ever taken shop?

Gautam: The high school that I attended had a class called "research and experimentation" which was kind of like shop. We got to use a lot of machines. The class was more based on experimental design. It was actually fascinating.

Emy: I took autoshop. My dad made me take it because he was afraid of me breaking down on the highway. The only time I ever used what I learned was at the Kappa Alpha Theta retreat when my friend, Beth, couldn't get her car started.

Neil: I took Linguistics 80. That's your Harvard shop.

Gautam: There's shop at Harvard?

Neil: No, baby. It's not shop in the shop sense. It's just shopeasy.

FM: Tom, what "criminal" things have you done?

Tom: The most criminal thing that ever happened to me was that I was once almost the victim of a murder.

[Looks of dismay from the others]

I broke this kid's table at a party and he took me outside and threw me against a fence and it cut up my arm pretty badly. And then he pulled out a knife and he said, "Fuck this! I'm going inside to get my gun." That was when I soiled myself and I got my friends and ran home. My dad caught me in the sink trying to put a Band-Aid on my arm. And he said, "Son, are you all right?" and I said, "Yea, I just had a bloody nose and a bad dream," except I had urine on my pants and blood coming down my arm. I'm really not that much of a criminal though, but I do know Scott Farber.

FM: Neil, you're injured now. In the movie, the athlete sometimes wishes he were hurt so he wouldn't be under so much pressure to win. Are you enjoying the stress relief or are you anxious to be playing again?

Neil: I'm definitely anxious to be playing again. I'm pretty sick of sitting on the sidelines. I think the game is boring if you aren't playing.

Gautam: What do you play?

Neil: Baseball.

FM: Did you ever feel a lot of pressure from your parents or your teammates?

Neil: More from my teammates than from my parents. And from myself. But I'm pretty laid back.

FM: Emy, can you put your lipstick on like Claire?

Emy: I've never tried. Not that I'd admit to be printed in the paper, anyway.

FM: Neil, did you ever beat up other kids in high school?

Neil: No, I stuck up for kids and got in the way of fights.

FM: Did you have siblings to beat up on?

Neil: I have a sister, Natasha, who can kick my ass now.

Tom: Natasha Magnuson--she's your sister! She's the fourth hottest girl in the freshman class. She has a great ass.

FM: If someone at this table asked you if you were a virgin, would you tell the truth?

Tom: No!

Neil: I would.

Gautam: Probably--it's a little early in the relationship though.

Emy: Yes, I guess.

FM: How are your relationships with your parents? Were your relationships better in high school or in college?

Gautam: Much better in college. I'm an only child. Being away from my parents has brought our closeness into play a lot more. But I have always thought my relationship with my parents was pretty good.

Tom: In the movie, the criminal calls the brain "a parent's wet dream." But let's see. My relationship with my parents was better in high school because in college I decided to drop out for a year. They got a little pissed.

Gautam: My parents aren't happy with the concentration I'm choosing. It's Gov and they think it should be Physics. But they'll let me get away with it eventually.

FM: Do you think a lot of people see you like the characters I matched you with? Do you identify with the characters at all?

Gautam: Personally, I can see where you got the idea. Around here it is difficult to stand out. All the people on this campus are really incredible. You could choose anyone here to fulfill the brain stereotype.

Tom: I'm not a criminal. [Everyone laughs] I'm not! My father didn't abuse me. I'm actually hurt that you saw me in that light.

Gautam: Are you repressing?

Neil: I'm not too far from Emilio Estevez's character. I mean, he was a jock but he wasn't a beef-head jock. He was a sensitive jock.

Tom: How new-age!

Emy: I don't think Claire would have ever come to a school like Harvard. I think she'd be afraid of being labeled a dork.

FM: How would your friends react if they saw you hanging out with the other people at this table?

Neil: I'm not worried. I have a lot of friends here.

Gautam: One person in my blocking group is a football player. He's a great guy--one of my favorite people at Harvard.

Neil: I purposefully didn't block with other athletes because we drive each other crazy.

Tom: But if you want to make sure that you have someone to drink with, the best choice is an athlete.

Emy: Or a cheerleader.