Hope for Harvard Yet

Contrary to popular belief, the root of Harvard's relationship problems doesn't lie in the inherent unattractiveness of Harvard men. Studies have shown that the most compatible couples have similar levels of attractiveness. Thus, it shouldn't matter if all the men at Harvard are ugly, since probability indicates that all the women here must be equally repugnant.

At any rate, personality matters most. Or does it? C. E. Ted Wright '01 claims, "Behind perhaps a mask of academics, there are plenty of people who are easy-going, interesting, et cetera." Despite overheard cries of "What men?!" and "I wish I were a lesbian because there are no guys here," (conceivable alternatives) most Harvard women will concede under pressure that there are attractive men somewhere on campus. After some prodding, men will admit likewise about the female classmates. So why do students have such trouble finding and maintaining healthy relationships, when in so many other aspects of their lives these same students succeed? Whatever the answer, the fact is not that, as Jonathan Gruenhut '99 says, "there are just too many computer science concentrators."

Dr. Richard Kadison, prominent psychiatrist and Chief of Mental Health Services at University Health Services (UHS), suggests, "[In college,] people are experimenting with different selves, with sexuality, their sense of values, their ideals, their interests. It's a time of enormous change. Until people really know themselves, it's hard to feel a real close sense of connection in a relationship."

James J. Pasquariello '01 remarks, "People here are often less experienced than elsewhere. A bunch of people I've met here who seem completely normal actually claim to have had no social life in high school." Particularly at Harvard, students may have neglected--or sacrificed--their high school social lives in the pursuit of academic and extracurricular success. As Pasquariello says, "Since [many people] haven't dated before, it's a much bigger, more confusing situation for them."

Dr. Kadison agrees, "A lot of people who get into Harvard... don't have as much time to play and experiment in relationships." Because of their inexperience, these students fear romance because they are facing, for the first time, potential failure in the dating scene. In response to these fears, some students choose to avoid romance altogether.

By his own admission, Noah (individual names have been changed to protect student identities), a shy, boyishly attractive first-year, has been "in love" with a girl in his dorm since the fall. As of yet, he hasn't breathed a word about it to her--causing him much anguish. As he explained, "Whether I do or do not eventually make my move with her, I must consider whether I may be losing out on some golden opportunities to be with her. No doubt other guys will step up in the interim as long as I remain unswervingly self-restrained."

Noah blames his restraint on an unspoken rule against entryway relationships, a rule which reflects the attitude that romance can be dangerous. At the same time, he admits that "it's easier to make a goddess out of one girl than it is to make something work with a real girl here on Planet Harvard." He sheepishly adds, "I guess I'm just not ready yet to leave the security of my romantic fantasy-land and enter the world of real relationships. Relationships are after all, always much less certain and potentially devastating to both people."

Love is an arbitrary world, were using the same win-lose analytical thinking that elsewhere leads to success usually proves fruitless. Kate and Tim, also not their real names, started going out at the end of last year. Kate complains, "I hate it, I hate that bullshit-overanalyzing about feelings, how you feel about liking each other, what that means, to what extent, the equality of liking--or inequality." Only recently have they simplified their approach and reaped the rewards; as Kate adds, "But does that even matter when it's just to date?" Tim explained that when he and Kate try to analyze their relationship, "The outcome is that we both get upset because we don't know what the conclusion is." To Harvard undergraduates used to understanding academic intricacies, the inscrutability of love can be overwhelmingly frustrating. Dr. Kadison commented, "The feelings associated with relationships often don't make sense, so you have to let go of the fact that you can...understand the relationships completely and [instead] give in to [and be aware of] the feelings that you have."

Even when a couple can deal with less-than-total understanding of what's going on, Dr. Kadison believes that one of the hardest things is to find "the balance between relationships and work--whether that's academic work or research that they're doing or a hobby." At Harvard, the consensus is that this dating challenge exists because getting admitted in the first place depends on proving that same commitment to work.

But after overcoming these obstacles, there does exist the hope of attaining romantic bliss. Arpa Shah, an MIT undergrad, explained that her relationship with Javier Garay '00 works well because "I don't see him that much so we don't get on each other's nerves; basically work doesn't get messed up--we have enough time for our own lives."

As proof of her love, Shah went so far as to defend Harvard men against the claim that they are unattractive, exclaiming, "Javi's not ugly--but he's taken"