Through the UHS Looking Glass

Alice never had such an adventure when she stepped through the looking glass. Then again, Alice never had to go through University Health Service (UHS) for her medical care.

I am not as lucky as Alice. On a recent Monday, I made one of my many pilgrimages to University Health Services. I had to arrange to send X-rays which a UHS doctor had taken to a doctor in New York. Getting those X-rays consumed my previous Friday morning, so I was not thrilled by the thought of killing more time at a place most students avoid like the plague.

Thinking that the UHS orthopedist would still have my X-rays, I rode the elevator up to the fifth floor. He didn't. The receptionist explained that I needed to go to the basement where X-rays are done. Normally, this would have been merely a minor annoyance, but boy, was I woozy. The UHS elevator does that to me.

The thought of having to turn around and get back into that illness-inducing suspended box was too much. The receptionist directed me to the nearest staircase, and I began to make my way downstairs. Everything should have been simple from that point. It wasn't.

As I neared the first floor, everything suddenly morphed into a bad Twilight Zone episode. Doors leading outside were marked with warning signs threatening loud alarms if anyone dared to open them. The alternative, the doors opening into rooms within the building, were labeled "Staff Only." I kept going down, and the number of doors began to decrease. My light head and general exhaustion made me want to give up, but I had no idea where I was headed or where to find a legitimate escape.

Retracing my steps seemed like the best option, so I bravely opened the first "Staff Only" door, somewhat nervous about what I might find behind it--perhaps nasty employees angered by my breaking a clearly stated rule. Yet luck was on my side. I walked into the back of an office, where two surprised women asked me if they could be of help. By that point, I was so dizzy that I couldn't stand straight. One woman was kind enough to point me toward another staircase that led to the lobby. The lobby--I actually made it. It must have taken me a quarter of an hour, but there I was. I fell toward the door wondering: who the hell designed that building?