The Universal Language

When we see someone gasping for air, with both hands clasped around their neck, we recognize this as the international sign for choking. This sign has been accepted since the signing of the International Act for Choking Recognition in 1834 and is used in every country in the world except Liechtenstein. Since they are not bound by the treaty, to sign "I am choking," Liechtenstinians hum the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero" while frantically performing the motions for "I'm a Little Teapot." More than 300,000 Liechtenstinian tourists choke to death in foreign countries every year.

But there are many other International Signs out there, many used more often than the famous one for choking. Think about how many times you use an International Sign for some-thing every day. Say you're on your bike, and a car zooms by and almost kills you. You raise your right hand and your middle finger, signaling through international convention that if you ever catch up to that driver, the next person to see your bike lock will be their proctologist. Or say you're shopping with a female friend, and she has just spent the last 3 hours trying to find the perfect brown shirt-the last 3,000 shades of brown are unacceptable because apparently they make her "look like a potato." You get her attention and tap your watch, indicating to her that you could have purchased an entirely new wardrobe and knitted her a brown shirt by now, and you wish to leave this hell of fashion indecisiveness before it's too late. International Signs are everywhere, used not just in emergencies but in the events of everyday life.

On a date, if you hold your flowers behind your back and then take them out when she opens the door, she recognizes this as the international sign for "Hey, I remembered flowers, but I'm still a dork." If you arrive 10 minutes late and out of breath, this is the International Sign for "I live in the Quad, and you live in the River. On a Saturday night I might as well try to teleport as find a shuttle." If you arrive and she says, "I just have to finish some e-mail before we go," this is the verbal International Sign for "run."

In a Harvard section, it is internationally recognized that bringing your own artwork/poetry/outside reading/knowledgeable family members to the first class mean "I think I am extra special smart. Please prepare for a volcanic eruption of mental manure." Calling the TF by name when you already have her attention (as in "Well, Carol, I have always had a special love for special relativity. I have a tat-too mural of `Einstein Working at a Black-board' on my behind, as, Carol, I'm sure you do as well") is the International Sign that you are counting on making Carol so uncomfortable that she'll never call on you and you can stop doing the reading. Carefully flipping through the reading like you're looking for a certain passage may look studious, but it's actually the International Sign for "I have less than zero clue, in fact negative clue, what everyone is talking about and I am just buying time. Is this the right room?" Clasping your hands around your neck and gasping for breath in section still means "I am choking."

The Boston area certainly has its own international signs. On the subway, if you stand up and offer your seat to an old woman, this tells your fellow passengers "I come from the South, where our lack of industrialization and continuing resentment of General Sherman are some-times overshadowed by our politeness. Now that I have been polite, please stare at me like I just grew another leg."

Wearing one of those "Hahvahd" T-shirts says to locals, "I am just SUCH a precious Harvard student that I think I'll make fun of the way your talk. Get it? Hahvahd? Bet you haven't heard that one before." If you see someone boarding the subway carrying a large stereo, they are communicating, "I have just stolen the Undergraduate Council's sound system and will be four states away before they can figure out if it's really gone."

The world could be a far better place if only there were more International Signs, to signal clearly conditions of which we are often unaware until it's too late. Think how great it would be if women would give some sort of signal to tell you "I am angry and no amount of detective work will get me to reveal why. Keep me at bay with a fireplace poker until you can get close enough to the door to leave." Men, in turn, should give some sort of clear signal when others are talking about relationships and they are actually trying to reconstruct the plot of an episode of Baywatch ("Hobie falls in a well") in their head. On the whole, International Signs make the world a better place. Remember that the next time you see a choking Liechtenstinian.

David A. Fahrenthold '00, a Crimson editor, lives in Pforzheimer House.