DARTBOARD

Gonging Them Out the Door

By now, everyone has heard of the Adams "Gong Show," last week's "protest" by Adams House residents of students from other houses who dared to eat in their dining hall. We at Dartboard were tremendously disappointed with the Gong Show--not because it went too far, but because it didn't go far enough. Why only protest in a single dining hall when the entire College is plagued with infiltrators?

Take Loker Commons, for example. Established as an undergraduate hangout, Loker is currently overrun with graduate students, loafing TFs are sucking our lifeblood of coffee and pizza, sitting in our plastic chairs, checking e-mail at our kiosks. We at Dartboard urge the undergraduate community: Gong those grads out the door!

But it isn't only campus eateries that have become infested with the plague of inferior beings. Next semester, we'll walk into that seminar "Limited to 15 students; preference given to Sanskrit concentrators" and start seething. Those ingrates from other departments are at it again--infesting our seminars, wasting precious office hours with our professors! Gong those gov jocks out the door!

Ah, if only the pestilence were limited to classes and dining. But no. The leeches suck our blood right out of our veins. We all know who they are: those pesky roommates' boyfriends and girlfriends who show up in their underwear at three in the morning, sleep in our rooms, brush their teeth in our sinks, even shower in our bathrooms (and don't even think they aren't using our shampoo). We at Dartboard urge all upstanding Harvard men and women: Do not tolerate this breach of community! Gong them out the door, back to their real rooms, where they belong.

Harvard students! The gong is calling your name. Enforce the Master Race of residents of Eliot H-33. And to all you losers out there: if you don't live here, get the hell out and go back to Adams House.

Sunshine and Santa Claus

Dartboard has been patient. We are confident that this week's downright balmy weather will pass eventually, and that despite the threat of global warming, the traditionally bleak New England winter we know and love will return sooner or later--with a vengeance, we hope. At the very least, it has to snow at some point.

Or at least it better. This unseasonable weather has upended the social order of the community. Unrepetenant first-years from California stride about in shorts. Tourists are wearing sunglasses. Any day now, the University will be spreading fresh grass seed in the Yard. Dartboard will continue to wait for the snow, but for the good of the University, it better come soon. THE SHOW MUST GO ON--Dara Horn; SUNNY DAYS--Alan E. Wirzbicki