Democracy's Follies

The hordes of talking heads analyzing the results of Tuesday's election have gotten it all wrong. The real winners on Tuesday were not southern Democrats, President Clinton or the Bush brothers. The real winners were roosters.

With the passage of a citizen referendum in the proud state of Arizona, that great scourge of the rooster community, cockfighting is on its way out of the culture and into the history books. Indeed, voters turned out in record numbers to ban inter-fowl combat, and organizers cited the public's growing distaste for bloody feathers as the main reason for the measure's overwhelming success.

Still, not all were pleased with the results of the referendum. A spokesperson for the reigning cock-fighting champion relayed his client's distaste for the people's vote, vowing to take the sport even further underground, into even dirtier back rooms of even seedier bars. All parties expect a court battle in the months ahead.

In the aftermath of any election, there is a tendency to display excessive patriotic pride. We finish counting all the ballots, we announce the victors, we look around and we give ourselves a big national pat on the back. Yep, folks, we did it again. Democracy is still alive and well. Good for us. Pappy Washington would be proud. But before we adorn every street corner with the stars and stripes, perhaps we should take a further peek at what self-government really means in the various nooks and crannies of this great land.

In Ukiah, Calif., voters elected the Anti-Law Enforcement candidate in a close race for the office of district attorney. Norman Vroman is an ex-con who has accumulated $1.3 million in tax liens, filed for bankruptcy twice, and supports the unqualified legalization of marijuana was chosen by the people to prosecute criminals in Medocino county. His intimate familiarity with the criminal mind (he possesses one himself) uniquely qualifies him for the job. The Associate Press attributed Vroman's victory to the fact that, "His stand on marijuana proved especially popular in rural areas." Of course it did.

In the town of Newport, Maine, citizens took advantage of their right to vote in order to decide a burgeoning community controversy over topless gardening. The hubbub began this past summer when Desiree Davis, a conscientious homeowner, took her lawnmower out of her garage and went to work on her front yard. Apparently the heat and humidity caused Desiree some discomfort, as she decided her task would be better completed sans shirt. She enjoyed the experience so much, she decided to make a habit of it. This aroused the ire of her puritanical neighbor, Mary Thompson, who felt it inappropriate that yard work be performed in the nude. Thompson called in local authorities, who hit the law books in order to resolve the dispute.

Town Manager Kenneth Knight determined that the municipal code prohibited only the display of genitalia or the committing of sexual acts in public. Because breasts are not technically genitalia, and mowing the lawn is not technically a sexual act, Thompson's pleas for justice were rebuffed (no pun intended).

So she hit the streets and collected signatures, succeeding in placing a measure on Tuesday's ballot that would have put an end to her licentious neighbor's shenanigans. Thompson campaigned for her measure heavily, arguing that the sight of a topless woman constituted a public health hazard as it might dangerously distract passing drivers.

Unfortunately, Thompson's sound reasoning lost out to the public's love of bare breasts, and the measure went down 775-283. Davis vows to continue her mowing habits next summer. Interested tourists can find her on Martin Stream Road.

In Los Angeles County, 629,289 people voted for a dead man. Sherman Block, who held the office of county sheriff for 16 years, died of cerebral hemorrhaging five days before the election. His victorious opponent, Lee Baca, had turned Block's health into a central issue earlier in the hard-fought campaign. When Block passed away, Baca's position was clearly vindicated and the boon to his credibility helped him eke out a win. Still, Block's supporters point out that his strong showing despite his lack of vital signs was a clear message from voters. That message? "We're not paying any attention at all."

And so turn the wheels of the democratic process in our glorious land. From cockfighting to criminal attorneys to titillating lawn trimming to dead candidates, our famous republican experiment rolls on. I'm not saying we shouldn't be proud of ourselves in these days following the mid-term election. A little civic solemnity is most certainly appropriate as we observe another peaceful changing of the guard. But, if you consider the people of Missouri, who took the time to debate and then vote on a ban of bear wrestling, you have to wonder if King George was really so bad after all.

Noah D. Oppenheim '00 is a social studies concentrator in Adams House. His column appears on alternate Fridays.