My Guy

Harry Burns: No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So you are saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No, you pretty much want to nail them too.

--When Harry Met Sally

Whatever, Mary. Contrary to the beliefs of the When Harry Met Sally school of theorists, the elusive male/female friendship devoid of sexual tension really does exist. There is a certain bond that develops when straight women and gay men join forces. And the reasons for the depth of the friendship go beyond the stereotypes that homosexual men are usually sensitive listeners, good dressers, spectacular dancers and can scope out guys in the dining halls better than any woman.

Straight men may not fully understand the nuances of the relationships between heterosexual women and homosexual men, but even they have caught on to the indisputable truth that the two are an inseparable pair. Eliot J. Schrefer '01 says some straight guys came up to him recently and expressed their angst over the fact that women love hanging out with him more than them. "We want you to come to our party because you have the hottest girls," they said.

Homosexuality gives gay men license to see or do just about anything when it comes to their straight female friends. Schrefer says girls will walk around him in bras without a second thought. Jim C. Augustine '01 has discovered there is practically nothing he can say that would be offensive. "Just last night I was dancing around the street and making fun of this guy and saying, 'I'm a heterosexual man. Who likes breasts. Breasts are good. Yeah,'" he says. "No straight guy could get away with that."

Being comfortable about sexuality is a crucial part of why women are drawn to gay men. "It's pretty easy to be more free and less inhibited since you know there's no possibility of romance," says Jac A. Huberman '01.

The lack of sexual pressure also ensures that the relationship is more open. When Melissa A. Theodore '02 hangs out with her homosexual male friends, she never has to worry about them lying to her. "Gay men will always tell you when you look bad. And they're so beautiful with compliments because you know they're not saying it to get anything," she says.

Interactions with straight women release gay men from the tension of their other friendships. Pete T. Wilson '99 attributes his large number of straight female friends to the ease factor. "With other gay men there's always a huge sense of competition. But with women there's no competition. You can both be fabulous," he says.

These friendships are often more physical than many heterosexuals might imagine. Augustine considers these relationships safe ground to test boundaries with the opposite sex. "There's physical closeness without the repercussions. You can explore sexual space without calling it sexuality," he says. The liberation of action between these couplings can lead to misunderstandings. "My friend Evie and I are very affectionate, very touchy-feely. We kiss each other goodbye," Wilson says. Habits like these have led observers to believe that their relationship is more than just a friendship.

Other friends have been judged as romantic duos in absurd circumstances. Augustine dressed up in a wild outfit to take a female friend out for her birthday and was shocked to find that people took them to be boyfriend and girlfriend. "I was wearing shiny black pants, my platforms and a tight bright blue turtleneck and people assumed we were a couple even though I was outwardly expressing homosexuality," Augustine says.

On some occasions however, the misconceptions are intentional. "I am a lot of women's gay boyfriend," Wilson adds. When his female friends feel uncomfortable with a situation, they commonly ask him to pose as their dates. "They tell me, 'Now hold my hand, kiss me.'"

Because of her highly affectionate relationships with her gay male friends, Hilary L. Levey '02 says even her mother frequently questions her about her relationship status with these guys. "I say, 'I don't think I'm his type, mom,'" Levey says.

Images of straight women/gay men matches are currently flooding the media. The movies My Best Friend's Wedding and Object of My Affection and the sitcom Will & Grace have all brought the combination into the spotlight, a move many people in the gay community view as a step forward.

Wilson sees definite parallels between his situation and that portrayed on screen. "That's just my life and I love it," he says. The actors in these two movies, Rupert Everett and Paul Rudd, also have a role in the appeal to Wilson. "Can I drool much more? I don't think so," Wilson says.

At the same time however, Hollywood tends to shape the perceptions of these couples in a way that desexualizes gay men. Augustine, a women's studies concentrator, has an academic as well as personal interest in this concept. "There's an issue of passing and trapping in a heteronormative paradigm, what men should act like. These men can't be the women's best friends if they're not pretending to be straight," he says.

Although many women have vast numbers of male gay friends, they deny that their sexual orientation is more important than personalities. "I don't really think about it when I'm becoming friends with a person. I become friends with individuals," Huberman says. Those individuals just happen to be gay.