under pressure

Dating, like we really need to tell you, is the cause of much stress among us girls today. Further complicating matters is the fact that, while our digestive tracts were created just like those of our male counterparts, our social roles and expectations were not. Reader Jean Tooskonski, 14, from Cranston, WI, writes, "I hate the stupid double standards our culture uses towards farting. When a guy farts on a date, it's kind of cool, but when I do it, people run for the aisles." Luckily for Jean, when danger arises, Teen FM is there to save the day. Read and learn how to deal with an overactive toot pump from the following problems and expert solutions.

Problem: You start going steady with a hottie named Tom Exenberger and his parents very much want to meet you. They decide to take you and Tom out to dinner at the fancy club they belong to. Your brand-new sleek-looking black dress is coming off great and things are going smoothly until just after the appetizer, when you accidentally, and quite loudly, release some gas you've been trying to hold in for the past half hour. Yuck! Here's what to do to get out of this jam while saving face.

Possible Solutions: The last thing you want to do is give Tom's dad the impression that you are a rude or inconsiderate guest (remember girls: boys listen to their fathers). Quickly divert attention from yourself by looking at Tom's mother and say in a disgusted but playfully amused tone, "Oh, Mrs. Exenberger, SICK!" Hopefully she will enjoy the joke at her expense just as much as the rest of the group.

But you don't necessarily have to take the defensive in this situation. Back up off 'da ropes and assert yourself as a confident woman of the 90s by trying these other approaches. Use the classics, "Did someone step on a duck?," or "What the hell was that?," or even preface your burst of flatulence with, "Would you like to know how I would end war and world hunger?"

Reader Carli Schomerhorn, 12, from Great Falls, MT, writes, "I have a fear of embarrassing myself in public because my all-Mexican diet and natural body chemistry lend to an overproduction of gas." Here's a problem and solution set that can help deal with any potential public sheepishness.

Problem: You are starring in your high school production of Romeo and Juliet, and the part of Romeo is being played by Faris Bizzari, the all-state (and amazingly cute) quarterback of the football team. Opening night finally arrives, but just as you're about to say the lines, "Wherefore art thou Romeo," you blow a huge one in front of the large and suddenly grossed-out audience. Is there any way to avoid stigmatization for the rest of your high school career?

Solution: Quickly play it off in your favor by paraphrasing another Shakespeare work, "PeeYew, something smelleth rotten in Denmark," or just break entirely from the dialogue and say, "God I hope I didn't just shit myself!" The crowd will most likely go nuts with hilarity and you will get congrats for weeks on your good save. If your theater teacher gives you any beef, chalk it up to artistic license--he'll love you for your courage to break new dramatic barriers.

On the whole, just remember that farting, when done with cleverness and a good sense of humor, can not only be acceptable when done by girls, but can even be attractive to boys. So stop your squeezing in and go choke those biscuits!