REHAB RECOMMENDED:

Dear Fifteen Minutes,

It has recently come to the attention of your ever-faithful readers that you have some potentially dangerous addictions. Alcohol features prominently in your recent issues, cigarettes pollute your photographs, your choice of models implies a probable eating disorder, and several articles about dating failures suggest insecurity about your relationship savvy. We are concerned about your health and well being. The time has come to seek treatment for your problems. But don't be afraid! Besides our unconditional love and support, there are many resources at Harvard and beyond that will help you through this difficult period. Please, let us suggest a few steps toward rehabilitation.

First, let us address alcoholism, the most blatant and debilitating of your habits. It grieves us to see how chemically dependent you have become, and how you encourage (some underage) vulnerable college students to partake in your sinful routine. Something must be done immediately to stop this Martini Madness [vol. 10, no.1]. From beer-gulping Hashers to "getting blitzo" HOC-weekend bar hopping, to the proffered cocktail recipes of A Tradition of Remarkable Drinking the evidence of your debauchery, as it were, is manifold [vol.10,no.2,4,6 respectively]. At least you've overcome denial but it seems that you almost flaunt your membership in the Grafton Street and Central Square pub-crawling crew. We acknowledge the many pressures of college life, including student marriages, but insist that they are not a legitimate excuse for "getting drunk for the interminable process of production" even if it's free [vol.10,no.2].

With the aid of Alcoholics Anonymous, FM does not have to stand for Frozen Margarita any longer. AA meets in Cambridge seven nights a week at various locations and furthermore, provides hotline support 9am-9pm Monday through Friday and noon to 9pm weekends. We're confident that the fellowship that AA affords will inspire FM to achieve and maintain sobriety. Call 426-9444 to find out times and locations of upcoming meetings.

With alcoholism taken care of, we still don't want to see FM go up in smoke. Perhaps the magazine has cut back a bit since the smoking scrutiny and cigarette pack reality bites of last spring [vol.9,no.9]. Nevertheless, we've caught you lighting up all the way from Punching the Culture Club to spending a semester in Paris [vol.10,no.4, 6 respectively]. And furthermore, it seems that puffing on cigarettes has given way to its illegal counterpart...Burn baby burn?[vol.10,no.1] FM can escape the Harvard inferno and risks of lung cancer with the help of Project ADD, an undergraduate peer education group dedicated to substance abuse issues on campus. Visit the project on the second floor of UHS, Monday through Friday 9am-5pm or call them at 495-9629.

Has FM become too body conscious to boot? You claimed to be "cutting the extra fat off" your articles but after pieces on healthy snacking and coaches' workouts, we're worried you've lost a bit too much weight [vol.10,no.1, 5 respectively]. It is admittedly nice to "show up to school feeling good and looking sexier than everybody else" [vol.10,no.1] but seriously, no one is comparing you to Boston fashion week models or pre-UDS victim first-years [vol.10,no.5]. Eating Concerns Hotline and Outreach (ECHO) can help you accept your body the way it is naturally. No more post-burrito binge guilt [vol.10,no.3] after anorexia/bulimia peer counseling in Quincy F basement, Sunday though Thursday 8-11pm. Before panicking and running to the Ganache Caf for a pound of chocolate truffles [vol.10,no.2] contact ECHO's hotline, nightly 8pm-8am, at 495-8200.

Once FM has stopped drinking and smoking and has dealt with eating issues, we're sure you'll become more successful than McBeal at "lookin' for love" [vol.10,no.2]. The proported 85% who find their spouses at Harvard, seems to have made you overly insecure about your relationships. But don't feel discouraged that your swing-dancing skills are snubbed by the opposite sex [vol.10,no.3] and your Grille pick-up lines don't cut it on the town [vol.9, no.2]. You just have us worried that FM has acquired a complex about Penthouse Pets [vol.10,no.6] and has succumbed to a secret (or licorice?) underwear fetish during a recent draught of sexual chemistry [vol.10,no.6]. To address these touchy issues we recommend that you pay a visit to Room 13 in the Grays Hall Basement, open nightly 7pm-7am (495-4969). While the decor doesn't quite live up to Room 15 standards [vol.10,no.1], the peer counselors there will discuss any relationship problems or general loneliness and depression that you're experiencing.

Please take our concern seriously, FM. We wish you the best of luck and we're with you all 12 (or 15) steps of the way. Now that you know where to turn, we're confident that your rehabilitation is imminent. Even i you falter along your path to wellness, just try to quell your violent tendencies with a call to UHS Mental Heath Services (495-2042). And keep in mind that Blowing up Harvard is never the answer [vol.10,no.2].

Sincerely,

Your concerned readers