let them eat cake

"The more you eat, the fatter you get.

The fatter you get, teh nicer your ass." -Famous Canafian Proverb

With winter just around the corner, everyone's doing what they can to stay warm. People are starting to show more and more of their North Faces, scarves are staying on all through lecture and toasty winter hats are being recklessly pulled over glued-to-the-head baseball caps. First-years, though, have quickly discovered the age-old freshman weapon for combatting the Cambridge cold. With the aid of stir-fry from HDS, grease from Tommy's and stale beer from that party in Pennypacker, dozens of first-years are already well ahead of pace to safely reach the "Freshman 15" mark by Thanksgiving, and have that extra layer of body-fat for the blistery winter months.

There are other frosh, though, whose metabolisms have not been so cooperative. These poor souls are stuck on the same weight they marked down months ago on their Harvard application. Shivering in the cold on their lonely walks to Vanserg, these emaciated freshman are really in a bind. Teen FM, though, has some answers. We polled our staff, and here are some suggestions for a smooth and enjoyable "insulation" process:

-pound a beer for every wrong answer on an Ec 10 problem set.

-always use handicap access elevators, buttons and conveniences. Or, just buy a Rascal motor-scooter for Yard transport.

-two words: study break. Uncooperative proctor? Make your own!

-declare every day your 'special day'--buy yourself a cake and eat it, too.

-bronze your running shoes. Repeat if necessary.

-discover the brilliant combination of vivrin/no doze and the

24 hour covenient store.

-man can live on chickwich alone. Prove it.

-deem every Monday, Wednesday and Friday Halloween, Jr. and gorge yourself with candy to fully capture the spirit of the holiday.

-mayo, mayo, mayo.

-munchies, munchies, munchies.

-umm, yummy, butter. Suck a stick like a blow-pop every time you get an annoying e-main forward.

Also:

-remember that Harvard sweatshirts (especially DHA's) are both spirited and figure allusive.

-for those concerned about adverse social effects due to added padding, remember, just like the song goes, "Everyone's doin' it, doin' it..."

So don't wuss out-suck it up and put on the pounds. You'll be warmer, fuller andmore. In the famous words of Spinal Tap, "The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin."