groovy train

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE VS. BANANAS IN PAJAMAS

Strawberry Shortcake and her little cat, Custard, wouldn't put up with the preposterous and culturally confusing notion of a banana in sleepwear for one minute. In this produce showdown, 'Cake and her little feline friend give a pie in the face to the bedtime Chiquitas, who don't even have a fruity scent.

SEA MONKEYS VS. TAMAGOTCHI

Even though all these pets do is take, take, take, at least Tamagotchi is a "pet from outer space," while Sea Monkeys are pets that come in the mail. As the fight ensues, Tamagotchi beeps menacingly, while the Sea Monkeys hatch and tempt hungry gold fish. Neither species is capable of love or anger or true defecation, therefore the battle is a draw.

JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS VS. GWEN STEFANI

With the help of Synergy, Jem rocks Gwen's bare midriffed world into oblivion. Jem is adventure. Jem is excitement. Gwen is a crap girl from a crap suburb of L.A. with a crap little "jewel" on her head. The true poseur is not hologram-enhanced Jerica but Gwen Stefani, who is about as hardcore as a piece of Chewel.